XX - ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Valerie,
Who started to count every calorie.'
Said her boss in disgust'
"If you lose half your bust,
You'll be worth only half of your salary!"

69 -- A good thing screwed up by a period.

It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner.
"When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party and pretty
soon I noticed this fabulous babe giving me the eye. Then she asked me to
take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and
went right down on the old fella - and I stil l didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do," asked the other cop?
"Well, I figured this was one situation Where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."

When a woman looks at me and says,
"Handsome,"
I know she's thinking,
"I bet he uses his hand some."

A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty.
The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife were
furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut
somewhere else in the house.
The husband said jokingly,
"Oh God! No! That must be your husband coming home."
And the wife replies without thinking,
"No, don't worry. He's off in the navy for six months."

When the women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned,
Unlike the women in Los Angeles who usually get stoned first and then commit
adultery.

Three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends
when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of
soda.
The first woman said:
"I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and
always wants to do it!"
The second woman said:
"I'm gonna call Bruce '7-up' because he has seven inches and it is always
up!"
The third woman said:
"I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'."
The other two women responded:
"Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied:
"That's my Leroy!"

Alimony:
The billing without the cooing.
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender.
And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything
come through the hospital's labour and delivery unit and always remained
calm and unruffled.
A sixteen-year-old in labour was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed,
fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural
analgesia.
Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled F**K right
into the nurse's face.
With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said,
"You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."

Hooters has opened a casino in Las Vegas.
This is one casino where gamblers don't mind going for bust.