XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said,
"You mean that isn't your finger?"


A man gives blood to save his girlfriend's life.
They break up and he wants it back.
She hands him a tampon and says:
"Here, I'll pay you monthly."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
'90!' replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Did you hear about the medieval prostitute who worked six knights a week?

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and
down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied,
"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said,
"Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom."

Things you learn in Porn films:
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving
her a gentle slap on the butt.

Mr. Dickson asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes
into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home
and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb,
forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose
and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said,
"Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1
hole."
"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I
don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

If the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys,
We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Three guys were sitting at the bar.
The first guy said,
"You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat.
She can get into the most incredible positions."
The second guy said,
"I'm lucky, too.  My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex.
She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."
No one spoke for a moment.
Then, the first guy said to the third guy,
"George  how's you wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied,
"I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."
"A chess player?"
"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

The retired general said he had not had sex since 1956?
His friend said,
"That's a long time ago."
"I don't know," the general replied. "It's only 20.27 now."

It's John and Anne's 25th wedding anniversary and they are in the same hotel
room in which they spent their honeymoon. Anne looks seductively at John and
asks him,
"What were you thinking when you first saw me naked in this very room 25
years ago tonight?"
John says,
"I was thinking that I would like to screw your brains out and suck your
breasts dry."
Anne asks,
"And what are you thinking now as I'm standing naked in front of you after
25 years of marriage?"
John says,
"Looks like I did a good job of it."

"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?"
"Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."