XXX ADULT PUNS!

Make love, not war.
Or
Get married and do both.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and
made his move.
When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his
hand up her blouse.
Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home.
That night she wrote in her diary,
"A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road.
As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt.
Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home.
That night she wrote in her diary,
"I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time Mary didn't get home until very late.
That night she wrote,
"Dear diary:
There comes a time when even the best of friends must part .

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down,
Make a tire,
And
Call it a Goodyear.

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells:
That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband:
Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife:
Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but
they weren't necessarily too smart.
On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the
best of her performance.
The host asked,
"Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"
She responded,
"The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me twenty dollars!"

Condom:
An article of attire to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a
satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".


Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything
absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2
hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema
every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn
near exploded!"
Suddenly; they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God,!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to
prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery.
Turn to the New Testament, however, and there we are admonished to "Love our
Neighbour" -- I mean, go figure.