XX ADULT PUNS!

It takes many nails to build a crib
But
One screw to fill it.

A Canadian man was attacked by a black bear while sitting on the "throne" in
an outhouse.
Actually, the bear did the man a favour–he was constipated, and the bear
scared the crap out of him.

Viagra has been such a hit in Taiwan that during elections a candidate was
giving away free pills to win votes.
This candidate got votes the hard way.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been married a
little over four years and was celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary.
I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was.
He said,
"I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden."

Things you learn in Porn films:
Nurses routinely suck patients cocks.

The first said,
"He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive
jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis
bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well... Yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those
carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

Husband:
"I want to make love with you in the worst way."
Wife:
"You've been doing that for years!"

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing
about who might've designed the human body. The first one said,
"It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers
and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said,
"No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves
are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical
engineer."
Then, the third one said,
"No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line
through a recreational area?"

The difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo is at a straight
rodeo they yell,
"Ride those suckers!"

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says,
"Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says,
"I'm sorry, I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says,
"It's in my yard, and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says,
"I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back
and throws it into the yard.
The man says,
"What is that for?"
The golfer replies,
"I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two
balls."

How can you tell a head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees!

"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends."
the girl told her maiden Aunt.
"Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a
'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."

The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited period.
However, there were no strings attached.