XX - Adult Puns!

It was the last day of school at St. John the Baptist elementary school.
Sister Catherine was asking her 4th grade Catholic school children
what they want to be when they grow up.
Steven raised his hand.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" the Sister asked.
Steven replied,
"I want to be a football player."
"That's great," the Sister commended.
Rick raised his hand.
"What do you want to be, Rick?"
Rick replied, "I want to be an astronaut!"
"Wonderful!" said the Sister.
Sheila raised her hand.
"Yes, Sheila? What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sheila replied,
"I want to be a prostitute!" "WHAT?"
Sister Catherine gasped.
She became flushed and looked like she was going to pass out.
"What did you say??"
"I want to be a prostitute!" Sheila repeated.
"Oh, thank Heavens!" Sister Catherine said, breathing a big sigh of relief.
"I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant!"

Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.

I was out walking when I ran into an old friend Doug.
I was surprised how he looked.
He had lost about forty pounds and was in pretty good shape.
I has to ask him how he did this:
'Doug how did you get in such great shape?
Doug:
First thing in the morning when I get up, I pump Iron. When I get home
from work, I pump Iron, before I go to bed I pump Iron. If I wake up
in the middle of the night, I pump Iron.
I responded:
That is amazing Doug, you have done great.
We walked to the parking lot our cars were parked next to each other.
I noticed in his car was a drop dead blonde with legs that would not quit.
She was stunning and about twenty years Doug's junior.
I asked:
Doug who is your lady friend?
Doug:
Oh, it is nothing, I have to leave.
The lady got out of the car and spoke:
Oh Doug, are you not going to introduce me to your friend. Hello, my
name is Janice Iron.

Joan, who was a rather well proportioned secretary, spent almost all
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided
to slip out of her dress for an overall tan, since, no one could see
her way up there.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would
very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can
see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our
colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

A faggot in the navy is called a Rear Admiral.

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers,
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says,
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you".
"And, what happened to my present?".
"Which present?"
"What I asked for.... The English girl?
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months
to see if it is a girl!!!"