Puns of the Day.

Former rock star whose name is Eckerd
Has a past that is mildly checkered.
Now he's older and greyer,
Wants to be the town's mayor.
He's decided to run on his record.

The mathematician worked at home,
Because he only functioned in his domain.

Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one
of the many archeological digs in that country.
In a cave outside of Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs
that had been buried for over a thousand years.
When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not believe they
were that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining
the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof.
For really, ...
Wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter?

Warning Labels:
Toilet Brush:
"Do not use for personal hygiene."

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days," he says.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says,
"What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc," replies the snake. "But I just discovered
I've been living with a water hose the past two years!"

Old hypochondriacs never die,
They just lose their grippe.

During a dinner party, the hosts‚ two little children entered the
dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was
happening and kept he conversation going.
The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary
was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children
left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one
child was heard to say,
"You see, it is vanishing cream!"

Why shouldn't you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana?
Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been
inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of
food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him.
One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway
without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and
an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale
friend.
"How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

Clouds are high flying fogs.

A young pupil asked,
"Master, what is fate?"
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together.
It has made the world a smaller place in which to live.
It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours.
It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of
travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people.

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80's and still gainfully employed as a
salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy's for
many years.
Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer.
"Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for
at least 25 years. Now is your chance.
Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the
tip of your penis." Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of
yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer went
ballistic.
He calls Goldstein and yells.
"What's going on??? I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of
your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full
of ribbon."
Goldstein replies calmly:
"The tip of my penis is in Poland."

Ads:
Bette's Boutique:
"Swim suits 1/2 off.

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied female
obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came home exhausted from a
long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" she asked.
"I'm not going in to work tomorrow -- I'm calling in FAT!" I replied.