XX - ADULT PUNS!

It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties were
sitting on the couch watching TV.
For a lark, the old man switched over to the Playboy Channel.
They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked,
"Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her
clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her
standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
could just drop it in!

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Two divers can't go down alone,
So, they have to go down on each other.

"Gentlemen of the Jury," said the defence attorney, now beginning to
warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall
this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest
years in a dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her
cozy little apartment at 4134 Seaside Street-there to spend her
lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little iPhone,
858-962-7873?"

Then there was the transvestite from Yale who wanted to spend his
junior year abroad.

Rustic Ron stared at the bellhop in disbelief.
"A hundred twenty five dollars for a girl? That's ridiculous! Why, in
Tennessee I can get a girl to clean my house, wash my clothes, cook my
meals, and sleep with me all night for four pork chops a day."
"Then what," said the bellhop, "are you doing in Chicago?"
"Buying pork chops in bulk."

"It's spring time and that means prom season.
Prom brings back so many horrible memories for me.
I had to take my cousin to the prom.
I don't know who was more embarrassed - him or me."

The dazzling blonde met a well-attired gentleman at a plush cocktail
lounge and they soon struck up an amiable conversation about human
nature.
"Would you sleep with a complete stranger for a million dollars?" the
gentleman hypothesized.
"Yes, I think I would," the girl declared.
"Would you sleep with me for twenty-five dollars?" he asked.
"What do you think I am?" she retorted indignantly.
"We've already established that," he responded. "Now we're just
haggling over the price."

Have you heard about the closeted Aussie who left his wife and
returned to Sydney?

One evening, after conducting a real hell-fire-and-brimstone revival
meeting, the visiting evangelist decided to take a walk, and happened
to wander into a nearby red-light district.
On a corner, he saw a streetwalker leaning against a lamppost.
The evangelist stopped and, in a powerful voice, he intoned,
"Woman, I prayed for you last night."
"Well, you could've had me if you'd just come around," she purred. "I
was standing right here all night long."

"What's your dog's name?" "Herpes,"
"Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel!"

A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl.
Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her
breasts without touching her clothes.
Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and
accepted the bet.
He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly.
With a baffled look, she said,
"Hey, you touched my clothes,"
The  fellow shrugged and handed her a dollar.

Mary:
"I've known this really nice man for a while now. I'm thinking of
spending the weekend with him."
Jill:
"Mary, you know it's a sin to engage in premarital sex."
Mary:
"Yeah, but it's not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married