XX - ADULT PUNS!

Three guys were challenged by a hooker who said,
"Which ever one of you can make me scream the most gets $100."
The first guy goes in and comes back out in a half hour and says,
"Damn! I just couldn't make her scream."
The second guy goes in for an hour but comes out saying,
"Man, it's just not possible!"
Finally, the third guy goes in with a smile on his face.
He returns after 10 minutes and fifty screams.
"How in hell did you do that?" asks one of the guys.
"Easy," says the stud, "I put hot sauce on my poker!"

A girl sat sobbing in the police station.
"I was raped by an Idiot."
She wailed.
"How do you know it was an Idiot? The detective asked.
"I had to help him," the girl replied.

Two knights, resplendent in shining armor and mounted on handsome
steeds, rode through the forest followed by their meek little page,
who was huddled uncomfortably on his burro.
As they arrived at a strange castle surrounded by the usual moat, one
knight shouted the traditional "Tally-ho!" to inform the castle's
proprietors that the travelers desired lodging for the night.
The drawbridge was soon lowered and out came a wispy fellow, dressed
in flowing robes of many colours.
"Well, what can I do for you fellowth?" he lisped.
The tired knights, anxious for lodging but taken aback by their
gayer-than-thou host, looked at each other in dismay, then one
whispered to the other,
"Promise him anything, but dont give him our page."

Birth control pill:
The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant.

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam,
"I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,
"I really want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies,
"Just slide $20 under the door."
So, the man slides the $20 under the door and waits...
Nothing Happens!
He knocks on the door again, and yells out.
"I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers,
"Again?"

A few days after refusing to sleep with her boss, the secretary
stormed into his office. "My salary's been cut in half!" she
shrieked."
"That's right," the boss replied, "haven't you ever heard of a withholding tax?"

As she ran out of the forest, the doe said,
"I'll never do that again for two bucks!"

A guy came home from work,
"Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

It had been a rather harrowing day at work.
She decided instead of going right home, she would stop in the local
tavern for a few drinks first.
She walked inside, and she sat down.
The bartender came over and asked what she would like to have, and she replied,
"I want a Sanitary Belt."
He replied,
"Huh? Lady, this is a tavern, not a drugstore!"
She said to him,
"Sure, and you can give me a Sanitary Belt!"
"How?" the bartender replied.
The blonde rolled her eyes, and then she asked him,
"Are you SURE you're qualified for this job?"
"Yes, I am sure," replied the bartender. Now you tell me what you want
by a 'Sanitary Belt.'"
"Helloooo?" replied the blonde, "I want a shot of whiskey in a clean
glass! That would make it a Sanitary Belt!"

"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Nadine to Jill, "I inherit the
lot. It's in his last will and testicles."
"You mean testament," chuckled Jill.
"No, testicles..." said Nadine, "I've got him by the balls."

Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children
that they didn't know what to do.
Paddy says to Mary,
"Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't
keep on with any more children."
So they went to see the priest and the priest says to Patrick,
"Now, my children, you know the church only allows two ways to limit
the little ones. One is to abstain altogether and the other is the
rhythm method."
Patrick scratches his head and says,
"Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a band at 4:00
o'clock in the morning?"