Puns of the Day...

A Vuvuzuela
Can be made from a cattle horn
Have you herd that?

US oil companies have caused pollution in the past
But this current spill makes BP foreign away the major leaker.

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his hospital with a couple of students.
As they look in on one patient the psychiatrist remarks,
"Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a GPS device and gives everybody
directions to where they're going. Today he seems to be writing an
early draft of the song, 'Give My Regards to Broadway'. What condition
do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies,
"He is a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder."
The second student says,
"Obviously, this guy doesn't know whether he's Garmin or Cohan."

Signs that you are in the 21st century:
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
But you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

It's about 10 p. M. On a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar
finishes his drink and is about ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
"Hey buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here
until past midnight. Something wrong tonight?"
The guy responds,
"No ain't nothin' wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin' on this bar
stool for so long." "Buddy, I got just the thing for ya," says the
bartender as he's reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar.
He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the
guy two white pills.
The guy looks at the pills in his hand and says,
"What're these, aspirin?"
"Nooo," says the bartender..... "stool softener."

Henry VIII might have said to his wives if he were a conference speaker,
"I won't keep you long."

My son stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam.
He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read The
Canterbury Tales.
I awoke at 4 A. M. And still found him studying.
I asked,
"What have you got there?"
He answered,
"Just my cup and Chaucer."

A bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
She replied,
''Force yourself'"

Judi stood before the judge in divorce court. Judge:
"You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?"
Judi:
"Yes, it is.":
"And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless
about his appearance. Is that also correct?"
"That's right, Judge. He hasn't appeared at home for five years now."

Making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg.
It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

Mr. Bud Lind was retired, but active in his community, and one of his
volunteer jobs was to occasionally drive the high school band bus to
different outings.
Because drivers changed often, there was a sign posted at the front of
the bus that read, "Your driver is: ______"
Bud always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band
members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating
"Your driver is: B. LIND."

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.

A college freshman comes home after being away all semester.
Her father looks her up and down, then says,
"Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?"
"Yes I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement.
Finally, he shouts,
"Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"

The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to
stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.

Myrna and David dated five years, yet not once did David bring up the
subject of marriage.
Finally, Myrna's mama sat her down.
'Darling, I think you've waited long enough. The next time you're out,
give him a little hint, OK, Mamala?'
The next Sunday, David took Myrna to their favorite Kosher Chinese Restaurant.
As he read the menu, he casually asked her,
'So Myrna, how do you want your rice? White or fried?'
Without hesitating, Myrna looked up at him, and replied,
'Thrown.'

Should kids wearing baggy pants to school be suspendered?