Puns of the Day...

I wrote a song about small, burrowing animals.
I decided it was time to gopher baroque.

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty.
"On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no
pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your
pain level is now?"
She shook her head.
"Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

A famous movie star decided he would increase his considerable fortune
by raising thoroughbred horses.
He bought a ranch in Kentucky, bought several promising young horses,
and hired some experts to raise them while he followed other pursuits.
He quickly found, however, that the money flow was only in one
direction -- out of his pocket.
He decided to make a surprise visit to his ranch, and found to his
horror, that he had been financing a gentle retirement home for lazy
race horses.
Each horse gave clear evidence of living a wholly sedentary life.
The horses were grossly overweight.
Moreover, they were so unused to moving rapidly that many small birds
had built nests in their hair, and these birds were busy raising their
young.
He was incensed and fired all his ranch hands.
Next, he grabbed a ladder and garden rake, and he started cleaning up
his horses, ripping the bird nests from off their backs.
In his anger, he gave these now immortal instructions to his new helpers.
"Beast is Beast, and Nest is Nest, and Never the Mane Shall Tweet!"

Whenever I feel blue,
I start breathing again.

The church mouse's wife had her bags packed and was ready to walk out the door.
"Why are you so unhappy?" her husband asked. "We have a roof over our
heads and every day the kind old preacher puts in his hand and feeds
us cheese and bread crumbs. It could be worse!"
"I'm 1eaving you for good this time, Ralph, " she said. "I'm sick and
tired of living a hand to mouse existence!"

Last night, I was in a rare tender mood.
I made love to my wife and afterward held her close.
"I love you terribly," I whispered.
"You certainly do," was her reply.

A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first
day of kindergarten. "Behave, my Bubaleh". "Take good care of yourself
and think about your mother, Tataleh! Come right back home, Schein
Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you, my Ketsaleh!"
At the end of the day she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers,
"I learned my name is Jerry."

In order to sell the rest of his beer by the end of the game,
The vender held a liquidation sale.

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores.
For fun, I put down as Item 5:
Think about your wife a lot.
After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job.
When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off.
"What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"
My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully,
"I started to, but just never finished."

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

There was a very poor tribe in Africa.
They did not have much of value, with one exception.
They had an ivory and Gold throne.
The village elder would sit upon this throne during the day and pass
judgement and dispense wisdom to all who would seek him out.
At night he would take the throne in with him and stow it in the
rafters of his grass hut.
On evening, while he was sleeping the rafters broke, and the throne
fell down and badly injured the elder.
It was later decided that the throne would no longer be stored up
inside the hut; because it was a known fact that people in grass
houses should not stow thrones.

If electricity comes from electrons... Does that mean that morality
comes from morons?

A professor of ancient history took a long disapproving look at his
newborn son and told the doctor,
'We'll name him Theophilus.'
'Why wish a name like that on the poor tyke?' asked the doctor.
'Because,' said the professor, 'He's Theophilus looking baby I ever saw.'