XX - Adult Puns!

A banker married an attractive widow with two beautiful teenage daughters.
After several weeks, gossip established that the banker was making it
out well with his stepdaughters.
One day, a friend cornered him and said,
"Clyde, I don't mean to pry, but people are saying you pay more
attention to your step-daughters than your wife."
The banker replied,
"Of course I do, why should I touch my principal when I'm doing so
well with my interest."

God give women nipples to make suckers out of men.

A local lady, one of our group members, was having breakfast at the
fancy Ritz-Carlton restaurant down in Naples,
She was making a bit of a fuss.
"Now, young man", she demanded of the waiter, "Make sure my toast is
crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not abide sausage with
the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the short curly hairs on
the back of my head stand on end."
"What a coincidence", commented the waiter. "Usually just the sight of
short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."

What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
Both need a hoe to stay in business.

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet,
what would you say to her?"
Mike replies:
Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says:
That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Johnny replied:
I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute.
The teacher says:
That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is
unpleasant.
Charlie says:
"My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with
a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after
dinner."
The teacher passed out.

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary
with a trip to Las Vegas.
When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young
woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.
George brushed her off.
Harriet objected,
"George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to
come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the
door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the
door.
George opened it and Bambi walked In, swinging her hips provocatively.
George asked,
"How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."
Even George was taken aback.
"$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25.
Bambi laughed derisively.
"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George,
"I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom.
She said,
"I just can't believe it!"
George said,
"Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind
George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said,
"See what you get for $25 bucks?"

Hockey players are raging lovers because they usually fight before they score.
After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson
called a brief recess and retired to his chambers.
En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes.
"Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker?"
"Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops."