Puns of the Day...

For many years the term "arrested development" was used to indicate an
intellectual impairment -- that the brain stopped maturing with the
physical person.
Although used as recently as 1983, according to Wikipedia, the term
has been more recently shunned by psychologists, who feel that one's
mental capacity may continue to grow, albeit in other ways.
Thus has the term been subjected to a rest-it development.

Success is relative.
The greater the success, the more relatives.

The teacher of a high school class in the fundamentals of economics
led the discussion around to the population explosion.
"Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than
others," he pointed out.
"What people would you guess reproduce the most?"
One bright student answered,
"Women?"

When the action starts at sea, each navy prefers its own drink.
The British head for rum;
The French head for wine;
The Germans head for beer, and
The Italians head for port.

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's
atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way
out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged
from head to foot.
He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as
he lay in his cot. "Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense
of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay."

A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

There was a man who kept stealing lamps.
He stole them from stores, he broke in and stole from expensive homes,
and so forth. Finally, he was apprehended when he was "caught in the
act" at the Chelmsworth home. The witnesses all testified...
They were expecting him to get something like a six-year sentence at least.
However, when the sentence came down from the judge, it was a mere six months.
When furor and noise went up from the crowd that such a light sentence
should be imposed, the judge banged his gavel.
"Y'all gotta consider the line 'Let the punishment fit the crime!'
Now, if you bear in mind this man has been stealing lamps, then I
believe from the bottom of my heart that this should be a light
sentence!"

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Mr. Combs had a furniture store specializing in ornate antiques in the
baroque style.
He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway.
He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his
aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing
ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine.
He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their
furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors.
Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work
on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it.
Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he
learned one important rule:
If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of
their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically
targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black
market.
The agents will be called:
"Pseudo Feds."

"OLD" IS WHEN...
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer
vacation at an engineering university.
I used to work repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very
large bolts holding it together.
One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started
heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known
came along.
He asked me what I was doing.
I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger
and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared.
"You know, I always wondered about that," he said.