Puns of the Day...

The love for my job is fading.
In dirt all day long I'm wading.
I'm a landscaper, so
I believe you should know
My job has been called degrading.

Night Watchman:
A man who earns his living without doing a day's work.

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George ("Blood
'n' Guts") Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo.
He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen
would be incredibly rainy.
So, he issued an order to place copies of the New York "Times"
immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his
troops.
In this way the men could keep their feet dry.
His staff was mystified.
Why the "Times"?
Why not the New York "Daily News"?
Patton was adamant; and one did not argue with the General.
As five tons of old copies of the "Times" were being loaded, the
General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war
correspondents:
"These are the 'TImes' that dry men's soles."

Toucan:
Two-Seater Outhouse

At the Waffle house, a regular customer was served his breakfast, but
it arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four.
The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one on the floor and
was making another.
Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen with the freshly cooked
sausage on a small plate and said,
"Here you are."
And the customer said,
"Look. It's the missing link!"

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever
get a compliment."

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his hospital with a couple of students.
They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students,
"Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but
today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the
World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe.  What condition do you think
he's suffering from?"
The first student replies,
"Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says,
"No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering"

Men are like Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You goober! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A
copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
 "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to
that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins
by some clown named Martin Luther."

Pete's grandmother lived to be 103 and never needed glasses.
She drank straight from the jug.

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the
local hospital.
A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says,
"Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?"
Gevarter replies,
"I make a nice living...."

Signs that you are in the 21st century:
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning
to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base, when the ship's
captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on
the mud flats of San Francisco bay.
This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of
grounding the warship you walk on.