XX - Adult Puns!

A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold.
The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys get hold of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I got something for that."

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS.
So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you
are a pauper," the accountant replied.
He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer.
He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what
he should do.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night. Her mother advised,
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck
and wool socks.'" But when the woman asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice:
"Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
The man did not understand.
"But, Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to
get screwed."

Why is it hard to say oral-genitalism?
Because it's a mouthful.

One evening at dinner the small boy asked how he had been brought into
the world.
His father; a rather straight-laced type, tried to dismiss the
question with a reference to the stork.
Unsatisfied, the youngster asked where the father had come from.
"The stork brought me, too, son," the father replied.
The boy sat quietly for a few moments.
Then: "What about Grandfather?" he asked.
"Yes, the stork brought your Grandfather, too," father snapped, about
to lose patience with his son for posing questions that were obviously
none of a small boy's business. "Gee, Dad," the child exclaimed, "do
you mean this family has gone through three generations without having
any sex at all?"

Confucius Say:
"He who stands in corner with hands in pockets doesn't feel crazy.
He feels nuts."

About to marry a 25 yr old, an 85 yr old man went to a marriage
counselor and asked how he might keep his prospective bride happy.
The counselor advised:
"I think you should take in a youthful Boarder."
Months later, the old gent returned to the counselor and reported that
his new bride was pregnant.
"I see you took my advice," said the counselor, chuckling.
"Yep," said the old man, "and she's pregnant, too."

What the instructions fail to mention is that when you go to the
doctor after your erection has lasted longer than four hours, you're
not supposed to complain about the carpal tunnel you've developed.

After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding
sports car over to the curb.
When he walked up to the driver's window, he was surprised to find a
very attractive blonde behind the wheel.
"Ma'am," he said, "I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer"
"A breathalyzer?" said the blonde "What's that?"
"Well you blow into this device," explained the officer, "and it tests
your breath to see whether or not you've been drinking."
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said,
"Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"That's amazing!" the girl cried. "You mean it shows that too!"

What did the moron do when his bride said,
"Take the hardest, heaviest thing you've got and put it where I pee?"
He threw his bowling ball in the toilet.