Puns of the Day.

One of the famed art museums in New York recently opened a month-long
exhibit of Origami works from several of the great Japanese masters.
To help finance the exhibition, it's been located in a separate area,
with an admission fee. Even season passes to the museum proper won't
get you in to this exhibit.
Taking their cue from Cable TV, it's clearly Paper View.

Warning Labels:
Toilet Brush: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of
my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my
Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
water is the toilet?"

Old hypochondriacs never die,
They just lose their grippe.

Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one
of the many archeological digs in that country.
In a cave outside of Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs
that had been buried for over a thousand years.
When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not believe they
were that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining
the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof.
For really, ...
Wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter?

Jewish Mothers make great parole officers because they never let
anyone finish a sentence.

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was
encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three -year-old girl
stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He asked her,
"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went
quiet for her response. The little girl said,
"I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

"Pastor, I go to an Episcopalian church when I live in Colorado for
half the year, and to a Lutheran church when I am in San Diego the
other half of the year.
Am I having an identity crisis?"
"No, you're just bi-sectual."

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food. So, he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just
opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back
to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man,
"What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says,
"We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.
Case in point:
My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day.
I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military.
After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom.
The kids were eager to ask questions.
One little girl asked,
"Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"

Men are like Snowstorms:
You never know when they're coming,
How many inches you'll get
Or
How long it will last.

The Secretary of Health and Welfare is visiting a psychiatric ward,
and asks the Head Psychologist,
"How do you determine if a patient is cured?"
The psychologist explains,
"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a
spoon, a cup, and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the Health Secretary, "the cured person would choose the
bucket because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster."
"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a sane person would simply
pull the plug."