Lexophiles...

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone;

It is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow;

Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts;

In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road:

Poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist

You can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft

And

I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry

It goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France

And

Resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt

If you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia :

The LAN down under.

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

17. He had a photographic memory

Which was never developed.

18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison:

A small medium at large.

19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

20. When you've seen one shopping centre

You've seen a mall.

21 If you jump off a Paris bridge,

You are in Seine.

22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair,

She thought she'd dye.

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

24. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

25. Acupuncture:

A jab well done.

26. Marathon runners with bad shoes

Suffer the agony of de feet.

27. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

But it  turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

28. She was only a whisky maker,

But he loved her still.

29. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because

It was a weapon of math disruption.

30. No matter how much you push the envelope,

It'll still be stationery.

31. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

And

Was cited for littering.

32. Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

33. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

34. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

35. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

36. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

37. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:

'Keep off the Grass.'

38. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

39. When cannibals ate a missionary,

They got a taste of religion.