PUNS OF THE DAY...

Jim, eager to keep his job after becoming a quadriplegic, showed up
for work without calling-in-sick for well over two years.
Quite a record, even among his able-bodied co-workers.
But he was approaching burn-out with his job.
He felt he couldn't tell his boss the real reason he wanted to use a
sick day and his morals would not allow him to lie.
What to do?
He had his attendant call-in and leave this message,
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."

"It's hard work rescuing that frightened girl stuck on the roof " said
Tom, labouring under a misapprehension.

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory, when
the case comes to caught the judge decides to make an example of him
to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge:
Well, what have you to say in your defence?
Boy:
I'm sorry your honour.
Judge:
I sentence you to 10 years hard labour, starting immediately.
Boy:
But sir, it were only a few bars of cheap soap.
Judge:
Consider yourself lucky, it could have been life boy!

Men are like Chocolate Bars;
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he
was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering
the beat.
He stopped the car and asked,
"Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on
his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

"OLD" IS WHEN ...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders
refused to obey God's command and go forth and multiply.
"Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Big Guy what to do about that."
And so he went up to God and said,
"These snakes won't go forth and multiply"
And God said,
"Don't worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a
platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."
"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.
"Silly man," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can multiply
using a log table!"

If electricity comes from electrons...
Does that mean that morality comes from morons?

It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert.
I'd get in the fighter's stance and start shadowboxing.
Jabbing with both fists, I'd say,
"One-two, one-two," and he would imitate me over and over.
I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until
my wife took our son to a birthday party.
When the boy's mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to
Robert and asked,
"Would you like one too?"
It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

Headline:
Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

On my way to visit a sick person in the parish, a little red car sped
around my pickup. The driver pointed to my back left wheel.
Just at that moment, I realized the tire was going flat.
I pulled into a driveway and got out of the truck to look at the tire.
All of a sudden, a red car zipped into the driveway.
A young man got out.
"Sister," he said, "get back in the truck. I'll fix the tire."
As he changed the tire, I talked with him.
"You remember me," he said. "Mike Sinn. You visited me in the hospital."
It occurred to me that this was probably the first time that Grace was
saved by Sinn.