Puns of the Day.

Shotgun wedding:
A case of wife or death.

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in
the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Men are like weather
Nothing can be done to change them.

Once there was this monastery in 15th century Europe that had a problem.
The Monks needed funding, and their treasury was low.
So, they decided to hold a revival meeting (medieval style.)
First, one of the brothers started banging on this really loud,
raucous drum, and shouting out the evils of sin.
Then, they had some minstrels come in and sing a few hymns.
After which they preached a sermon, and passed around the collection plate.
When it was all over they evaluated the outcome, and the people of the
town decided that all else went well, but all the ladies present said
that the pre - minstrel sin drum was really the pits.

"OLD" IS WHEN ....
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Practical gift giving sometimes gets a bad wrap, which is why I took a
lot of ribbon when my wife opened the gift from her bow on Christmas
morning.
It was a waffle iron, a most logical gift with only a slightly hidden agenda.
I wasn't at all syrup dishes about it, but caught some heat when she
read the label on the box and we realized that we wouldn't be able to
use it until the next day.
"Batter is not included"

The novelist visited the cemetery to find plots

A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the
University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they
would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out
their apathy.
He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him
that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient
Egyptian plumbing.
He immediately sent them a telegram which read:
"Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"

I'm very insecure.
I get depressed when I find out the people I hate don't like me.
I'm kind of paranoid too.
I often think the car in front of me is following me the long way around.

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a
hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde replies,
"Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches? " asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what
room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies,
"But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"
The blonde says,
"Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows!"

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm.
Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin
and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the
doorway
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the
door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our
classes."
"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that is a whore's shoe."

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Chuck was driving his car home one day when one of the tires went flat.
He stopped at a garage and found an attendant that would pump up the tire.
"That will be $50," said the attendant when he was finished.
"That's too much for pumping up my tire!" cried Chuck.
The attendant replied,
"Inflation, my good man, inflation!"