XX - Adult Puns!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach and for the sake of civility,
and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering:
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied:
"If you weren't so ugly it would have lifted itself."

"Oh mom!" sobbed little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

70% of the gay population were born that way.
The other 30% were sucked into it.

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc
asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open,
So, he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must
have shrunk just sitting in his closet because it didn't fit when he
went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said,
"Suits don't shrink just sitting there. You probably just put on a few
pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the
last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of
Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your
chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

The difference between a woman and a 1980s computer is:
An old computer can take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L. A. Nightspot when
a mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed on over to where he was seated.
She said,
"Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."
"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."

I hate it when I hear people say,
"Nice guys finish last."
Seems every nice guy I've slept with finished first and didn't last.

It happened on the corner of Broadway and 47th Street.
The girl leaned against the building, running her fingers through her
bleached hair and smiling more than-casually at the male passers-by.
She wore a plaid skirt and a low-cut V-neck sweater.
Finally, one of her come hither looks paid off, and she was approached
by a young man with a familiar glint in his eye.
"Hi," he said, undressing her mentally.
"Hello, handsome."
His eyes focused on her sweater and the curves it almost covered.
"What's the V for?" he asked. "Veronica?"
 "Uh-uh. Virgin."
"Oh, come on," he said playfully. "you're a virgin?"
"No," she winked. "It's an old sweater."

The sign on the door of the whorehouse said,
"Beat it, we're closed."

Jim said,
"Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drug store to pick up a 'patch'
subscription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."
"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said.
"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Jim, "I told her to let me
know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to suck
on."

Jasmine went to melba's place to tell her about a horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked melba.
"After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!"
Somewhat shocked, melba asked,
"What did you do then?"
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five
biker friends with him!

To embarrass an archeologist,
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.