XX - Adult Puns!

A man asked his friend,
"How's your wife doing?"
The friend said,
"Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself lately. But it was a
damned dirty habit anyway."

The new hooker had just finished her first trick.
When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all
gathered around to hear the details.
She said
"Well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"So, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
"I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much.
So, I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either.
Finally, I said,
'Well, how much do you have?'
The marine said that he only had $25.
So, I said,
'Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand'"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out,
and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first,
and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge. Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him the $75!"

"Young lady," the football coach asked, "what are you doing with that
varsity letter on your sweater? Don't you know that it's against
campus rules to wear a letter unless you've made the team?"
"Yes, sir," she said. "Do you know anyone I missed?"

"Hey Dad! What are you doing?"
"I'm filling your mother's tank."
"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The
milkman filled her this morning."

The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making.
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed
such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of
just a one night stand.
But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.
"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I
think they call this 'deja screw'."

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a
premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

The most amazing thing about AIDS is it can turn a fruit into a vegetable.

A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?"
"Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?"
"Four cents,"
"Four cents? Where's the guy who owns this place?"
"Upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies,
"Same as what I'm doing to his business."

The city school board in Grantsburg, Wisconsin has revised its science
curriculum to allow the teaching of Creationism.
Omitting however, what most Bible-Belters believe were Adam's first
words to Eve:
"Stand back, Honey... I have no idea how long this thing will get!"

He was so dumb he thought a foul ball is what the players scratch when
they're sitting in the dugout.

A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if
he sells condoms.
He replies,
"Yes we do. What size would you like?"
The blonde responds,
"Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."

Are birth control pills considered recreational drugs?

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Two divers can't go down alone,
So, they have to go down on each other.