XX - Adult Puns!

Some expletives make my wife scowl;
The F-word will cause her to growl.
So I substitute "quack"
For the F-word. No flack
Will I get, though my language is fowl.

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.
Jerry asks,
"What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How's that possible?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

A zipper on a gay Italian's pants is a Mediterranean fruit fly.

Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the
synagogue women's guild.
"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure, some of you know by now that the
unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to
his wife Sadie's dead body."
A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say,
"that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his
actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So, although we are all
feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies,
go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love
with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle.

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.
I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard
that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up north, had become a lady
of the evening, they were stunned and shocked.
"Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of
our kinfolk having to work for a living!"

The laundry man at the convent was fired because he picked up some dirty habits.

A woman filed for divorce.
The reason: her husband did not satisfy her sexual needs.
"Tell your side of the story," the judge said to the husband.
"When we just married," the husband said, "my wife said, 'Let's us
save money for furniture.'
I agreed,
So, I ate only soup until we had money for furniture.
Then, she said,
'Let's save money for a TV set...'
I agreed, so I ate only tea, until we bought the TV set.
Then, she said,
'Let's save money for a car...'
She switched me to water...."
"It's interesting," the judge said, "But you better tell us about your
performance in bed. Your wife complains that you do not satisfy her"
"Citizens, Judges! Just give me one bowl of soup, and I'll satisfy all of you."

This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the
cobwebs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on
the kitchen counter.
I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be
heart worm-free for the next 30 days, and my dog is the stud of the
neighbourhood!

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning, the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker.
'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
They both go down easy.