Puns of the Day...

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

An unscrupulous lawyer stayed up with a pretty widow all one night
trying to break her will.

Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune.
Unfortunately, he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he
found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.
At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an
abundance of late hay down on the farm.
So, in this story, the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.

The first thing I learned in reproductive biology was there is a vas
deferens between the two sexes.

Aging:
Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now, you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

Lead us not into temptation.
Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

While two men were fishing from a dock, one of them accidentally
dropped his wallet into the water.
They peered into the depths and watched as a carp swam by and scooped
the wallet up to its mouth,
Suddenly, another carp appeared and snatched the wallet away, only to
have a third grab it from him.
The two fishermen looked at each other in disbelief.
"Joe," said one, that's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting

He could always find the liquor bottle - he had a "fifth" sense.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his
wife listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other. He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

I know a lingerie buyer who gave his wife the slip.

A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of
the life size statues of politicians.
He was charged with statue Tory rape.
Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual.

When I'm stoned I get a little boulder.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I've already told you twice, my husband, your boss, died last week!
Why do you keep calling?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it."

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
(George Bernard Shaw)