Puns of the Day...

A publisher went off to France
In search of a tale of romance.
A Parisian lady
Told a story so shady,
The publisher made an advance.

"Use "Moron" in a sentence.":
When I told my woman I refuse to go to the party with her wearing just
a bikini, she put a little MORON."

Robert wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his
constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he
cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you
expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually.

Define "Prune":
A grape that sleeps in the sunlight, and as a result keep a man on the run!
General Motors and Toyota are working together to build a new car model.
The new vehicle will be built in the factory that was used for the old Chevette.
It will be called the Toyolette.
It will feature bucket seats and automatic wipers.

Why must you drive your car in gear?
Because there are laws against public nudity.

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn
it into a thriving enterprise.
The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart
and the fences were broken down.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the
man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the
farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it's a completely different place.
The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there
is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished
together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the
farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Of the 10 deadliest varieties of snake,
7 are in Australia.
The other three are in politics.

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news.
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that
found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 120."

She couldn't help throwing up at funerals.
She was suffering from Mourning Sickness!

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed
that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very
disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to
sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I
got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I
thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
"A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

As sharp as women have become today,
A husband trying to pull the wool over his wife's eyes better have
some damn good yarn.

I overheard one neighbour giving another neighbour driving directions,
and he told her:
"If you're going north, it's on the east side of the street."
This would seem to imply that if you're going south it's on the west
side of the street.
Now, "If you're going north it's on the RIGHT side of the street"
would make sense.
But it's gonna be on the EAST side of the street whether you're going
north or south! (

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years.
He must be crazy.