XX - ADULT PUNS!

A newlywed couple gets back from their honeymoon and the husband
decides that he wants to watch the video of their first night as
husband and wife.
He  plays the tape and hears his wife say,
"Ahh, ahh, that's happiness. Ahh, ahh, that's happiness."
Just then, his new bride walks in and says,
"You moron, that's slo-MO."
He rewinds the tape and plays it at normal speed: " Ha ha, that's a
penis? Ha, ha, that's a penis?"

I'm living with a girl but we're not married.
Its kinda like leasing with an option to buy.

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and his neighbour was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked,
"Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant? "
"No sir, " answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife? "
"No sir. "
"Did you ever get any from his daughters? "
"Uh -- excuse me sir, " the witness said, "but we're still talking
about drugs here, right? "

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said,
"It's just like my husband's penis."
"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to
Bubba's house and get drunk.
Lo and behold they run out of beer,
So, Bubba says that he will go for more.
As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best
Southern hospitality. She agrees. Bubba comes back with the beer and
finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Bubba yells,
"What are you doing Linda-Lou?"
She replies,
"You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."
Bubba then says,
"Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the floor!"

Women are the foundation stone of society;
But always remember who laid them!

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
'Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?'
'I'm in love,' the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked,
'With whom?'
'With YOU!' he said.
'But Johnny,' she said gently, 'don't you see how silly that is? It's
true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a
child.'
'Oh, don't worry,' the boy said reassuringly, 'I'll use a rubber!

Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.