XX - Adult Puns!

A carpenter living in Crewe
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw.

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died.
The priest asks him whether the pig is a male or female.
The farmer answers
"The pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am a
freaking queer?

The blonde had two chances to get pregnant,
But she blew it both times.

I was in our local hospital for a complete check-up.
A nurse came in at 11:00 AM, and brought me some soup for lunch. But I
refused it.
The nurse stated it was required in preparation for the tests to be
done the next day.
At 2:00 PM, they again tried to serve me some soup, which I refused.
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00 PM, they tried, and both times I refused,
not being much of a soup lover.
Nurses entered my room at 3:00 AM, 4:30 AM, and 6:00 AM and without
bothering to wake me up, they gave me an enema.
Let me tell you, if you ever have to go to the hospital and they try
to serve you soup, take it!
If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!

I used to call my ex "Superman" when we were in bed,
Because he was faster than a speeding bullet.

In Baltimore Maryland a group of feminists were demonstrating at a topless bar.
One woman marched around on the sidewalk chanting,
"Free women! Free women!"
As I went into the bar, I asked her,
"Do you deliver?"

DIVORCE -
What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

Having received a return from a bachelor executive who claimed a
dependent son, an income-tax inspector sent the form back with a note
saying,
"This must be a stenographic error."
Back came the report with the added notation: "You're telling me!"

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had
rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them
before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same
corner.
He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate,
"I don't know what this is all about your Honour. I'm a college
student doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed, turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.
The woman began crying softly and said,
"Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my
husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
The Judge shook his head and turned to the last of the trio and asked
her occupation. The woman said simply,
"I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,
"How's business?"
She sneered and replied,
"Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I
can't turn a single trick."

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says,
"Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his
tongue and broke his finger!"