XX - Adult Puns!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife
accused of incredible escapades.
But thus far, it had all proved rather disappointing, with nothing
more than a few insinuations and vague generalities tossed back and
forth.
But this was the day when the wife was to take the witness stand for
the first time, and the courtroom was filled to capacity.
Testifying before her own lawyer, she projected an image of sweet
innocence, as she told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice.
At long last the wife's direct testimony came to an end, and the
husband's attorney was given the opportunity to cross-examine.
He first re-established her name, relationship to the plaintiff, and
other details of identification.
Then, he picked up a paper from the table, studied it a moment, turned
to her and asked, "Is it not true, Madam, that on the night of June
twelfth, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a
certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle
that passed through the centre of Libertyville at speeds in excess of
sixty miles per hour?"
The wife turned pale, but retained her remarkable self-control, and
her voice was almost perfectly steady as she asked,
"What was that date again?"

These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says,
"My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says,
"You know what? Your wife is better."

A young uneducated man applied for a job in an office.
After the interview, he left and hooked up with his friends.
One asked,
"How'd it go?"
He answered,
"The first part was smooth. But when she asked to see my testimonials,
I showed them to her and she freaked. There went the job."

What is the term for male prostitutes?
Peter Sellers

A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment.
She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human
body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.
Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said,
"Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher said,
"Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body
enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny said,
"That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its
original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher said,
"That's right, Johnny."
Then, she turned to Susie and said,
"Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a
dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big
disappointment."

"Did my wife say anything when you called and said I would be working
late at the office?" asked the executive, nuzzling his ravishing
secretary.
"The only thing she said," answered the secretary," was: 'Can I count on it?'"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond
his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to
get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
"What the heck Is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied:
"I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

A fellow who works as a pharmacist at a high traffic pharmacy tells this one.
He said technicians, who don't always know the purpose of the
medicines they dispense, do most of the processing.
One day last week, he says, there was a medicine making its way to the
counter for a waiting customer.
The tech didn't know the medicine's purpose was to help with erection problems.
Seeing that the customer seemed to be growing impatient, the tech
sought to placate him and reassured him,
"Yours will be up in just a minute, sir...."