XX - Adult Puns!

I have a friend who is a cross-dresser.
He says that Christmas is his favourite time of the year.
When asked why, he replies,
"Well, I can eat, drink, and be Mary."

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears.
"Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my
husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute!" Marie snapped. "You're just
saying that to make me jealous!"

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.
"One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about
to leave and seek their way in life.
"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an
extremely sinful world," she said.
"I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do
anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you
drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where
they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty
dollars and kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take
advantage of us and give us cash?"
"Yes child, why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy!"

The quickist way to empty out a men's room is to say,
"Nice Dick."

A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks:
"Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?"
"Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter."
"Your daughter? Why she's only 14... You don't mean she's sexually active?"
"Nah... She just lays there like her mother."

A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their
fields, and waited.
After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar.
They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up
and shot it at the same time.
They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life!
They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed,
and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar.
However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking.
Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a
coin for who would get which end.
Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear.
So, even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill
thought  it was nothing but a catastrophe.

Many men enjoy fishing because that's the only time they are told,
"Wow! That's a big one!"