Puns of the Day...

The panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse, grabbed the pro
by the arm and said,
"You have to help! I was on the 9th hole and I hit a terrible slice.
The ball sailed right off the course and hit a guy riding a
motorcycle. He lost control and swerved into the path of a truck. The
truck tried to stop but jack- knifed, rolled over and broke apart. It
was carrying hundreds of bee hives and now the angry bees are
attacking everyone in sight. It's awful! it's a disaster! What should
I do?"
"Well, the first thing is you've got to keep your arms straight and
remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club."

A German travels to Paris by plane.
In the airport, at the ID check desk, the French officer, looking at
German's ID, asks him, "Occupation?"
The German answers,
"No, no, no!  Just visiting."

A Sunday school teacher recently asked her class for a definition of
the word "Pharisee". One bright little chap answered,
"I expect he's a horse."
"What makes you think that," asked the teacher.
"Well, because the Lord said, 'Whoa to the Pharisees!'"

Birds have bills too and they keep on singing.

Two elephants were standing in a river, when one of them sees a turtle
swimming by.
He immediately begins stomping on the turtle and doesn't stop until it
is an unrecognizable pulp.
Having watched all of this, the second elephant walks over to the
first elephant:
Second elephant:
"What was that all about? That turtle wasn't doing anything to you!"
First elephant:
"True. However, I used to come to this same river as a child. One day,
that same turtle bit me on the trunk and caused a horrible infection.
I almost had to have my trunk amputated."
Second elephant:
"And how do you know that the turtle you just pulverized was the
responsible one?"
First elephant:
"I have turtle recall."

A girlfriend who loved French history asked me to take her to the
island  where Napoleon was born.
She asked.
"Can you afford it?"
I replied "Of  Corsican!"

The computer company my wife works for distributed a
corporate-clothing catalogue  that included a pair of cuff links.
One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as
they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague,  "if only to remind him of the two things he can never
have."

I was offered a job making venetian blinds,
But I turned it down, because it sounded like a shady business.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So, the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

You can always tell your doctor's a quack,
When you see his a large bill.

A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures
by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread
rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon.
Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125.
So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive
than the other. "It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the
more expensive painting.
"You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."

Golf:
A sport in which frustration is exhibited by using course language.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from
a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds,
"Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back,
"Because I'm dead."
The husband says,
"What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and
talking to one another."
She says,
"No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists,
"You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?
" Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."