Puns of the Day...

Morris Crisp was very sad when his father passed away.
When his mother remarried to a retired Navy captain named Arthur Ness,
and made Morrie take the name of his step-father.
Morrie felt she was betraying the memory of his father.
After he grew up, and his mother died, Morrie had Arthur committed to
a nursing home and bilked him of his life savings.
When he was caught, the newspapers read,
"Morrie Crisp-Ness fleeces Navy Dad!"

"Ninety-five dollars for a Christmas tree, that's obscene."
"Hey, the prices should be obscene and not  heard"

One tale never told by Charles Dickens took place in London pubs in
the early 1800's. Each afternoon, a well-dressed man about thirty-five
years of age would enter a pub and seek out the most curvaceous
serving-girl in the room.
He'd sit down in her area, and as she brought him his pint, he'd grab
her waist and pull her onto his lap.
For as long as he could resist any struggle he'd fondle her most
scrumptious parts.
When, typically, she broke away, he'd hand her a gold coin, down his
beer, and leave. This went on for several years, by which time he had
quite a reputation in the drinking establishments.
Serving-girls city wide talked about him, and, indeed, some sought out
his patronage, for a gold coin was worth a few minutes of public
shame.
To the remainder, though, he became known as the "Guinea Pig."

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know
where her Sunday paper was.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday
edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."
There was a long pause on the other end of the line.
Then she was heard to mutter,
"Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

The schoolteacher, who was in love with the head of the school, took
out a loan with the bank, because she had an interest in the
principal.

I wonder if any person has had more geographical locations named after
him or her than England's long-sitting queen, Queen Victoria.
She was the beloved queen whose name identified an entire age, and she
reigned for sixty years.
As this was the era of British imperialism, exploration, and
colonialism, numerous opportunities arose to name places for her.
Victoria, British Columbia, Canada is named for her;
Victoria Falls in Africa is named for her;
Lake Victoria in Africa is named for her;
There are many, many more, of course.
In the late nineteenth century, even local British municipalities
wanted to honour their esteemed queen.
Thus, in the British Isles are numerous towns, rivers, hills, schools,
streets, railroad stations, bridges, and more named for Queen
Victoria.
However, the queen drew the line when a local developer wanted to name
a housing development after her and call it Victoria Mews.
Queen Victoria declared that this would never be:
"We are a city in Canada, we are a falls in Africa, and we are an
island off the coast of China, but we are not a mews."

The obstetricians, baseball pitchers and truck drivers met to compare
their deliveries.

Cold weather can cause fights over control of the thermostat.
I like to keep the house cool, at 65 degrees, but my wife likes to
keep it at 70 degrees.
So, we compromise, and keep it at 70 degrees.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my
Mom would be like.
It seems the minister asked my Mom,
"Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then, the minister asked my Dad,
"Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Xerox never does anything original.

I dropped out of college after two years and now I'm kicking myself,
because if I had my played my cards just a little differently I could
have a community college diploma right now!

A politician who had been an astronomer was always saying,
"No comet'?