PUNS OF THE DAY...

Because of my fluency in American Sign Language, I was hired to be a
Santa Claus in mall.
My employer wanted to provide deaf children with a Santa who could
communicate with them.
I sat for hours, performing for the children who came to visit.
But none of them was deaf.
Then, two girls approached shyly.
One explained that her sister was deaf and could not speak.
"What is your name?"
I signed slowly.
"J-A-S-M-I-N-E," she replied with her fingers, grinning from ear to ear.
I was bubbling over with pride when I absent-mindedly signed,
"My name is H-E-N-R-Y, nice to meet you."
The startled child pulled back and furiously began signing,
"I thought your name was Santa Claus!"

An apparition attired in green and red was questioned about its unusual attire.
"I'm a Christmas wraith" was the reply.

It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus's sleigh team
became one member short because of a sudden illness, and when an
inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team so
no one would notice the animal missing, Regis, Chief of Elves, asked
Santa,
"Is that your vinyl Prancer?"

Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be
a girl.
We should've known.
Only women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet
suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Heading off to college at the age of 40, the new coed was a bit
self-conscious about her advancing years.
One morning she complained to my husband that she was the oldest
student in the class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," she
said.
"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," her husband said
optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college
girls were over!"

Why did the mother put her baby on the phonograph?
It had an automatic changer.

Laugh and the world laughs with you;
Snore and you sleep alone.