XX - Adult Puns!

On the eve of the couple's 10th wedding anniversary, the still slim
wife was bragging about her figure.
"You know, honey," she said, "I can still get into the same skirts I
did before we were married."
"Yeah?" the husband replied, "I wish to hell I could."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says,
"Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?"
To which the father replies,
"Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he
would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."
So, the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies,
"Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"
So, the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies,
"He is so frigging fine, of course I would!"
Then, last but not least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he
would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says,
"Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"
So, he goes up to his dad and says,
"I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically"
"Well what's the difference?" says the father.
"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically
we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

Nun:
A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't never
gonna get none.

A diaphragm is a trampoline for dickheads.

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby.
As it made its appearance it was dark and had an Afro.
The doctor said,
"Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?"
She said,
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he replied.
Then, the torso appeared and it was yellow.
"Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs appeared they were red.
The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said,
"Only once" and he replied that that was all it took.
Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.
"Oh, thank heaven," she exclaimed, "At least it doesn't bark!"

An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking 15
pints of beer, and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants.
Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn't fully
cocked, and now he isn't either.

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from
the next farm and offered her a ride.
Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.
Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him.
Then, she asked,
"Do you want to go a little farther?"
He said,
"Yep, Get up Betsy."
So, they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at
another shady spot.
Then, she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his
other hand on her thigh, and asked.
"Do you want to go a little farther?"
Again he said,
"Yep get up Betsy. "
So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and
opened his fly and took his pecker out.
She spread herself before him and asked,
"Now do you want me to put it in for you?"
He replied,
"Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing.
They've never met.

There was an English teacher in my high school who was fired for
sleeping with several senior girls and giving them good grades.
That just makes me sick!
I was in his class and could have gotten into a better college if I'd
known about this arrangement.