XX - Adult Puns!

Before I got married my wife told me,
'Don't talk about sex until we get married.'
We got married and she said,
'Now you can talk about it all you want.

Jim came home from a hard day at the office and dragged himself into
the bedroom.
He dropped his shirt and tie on a chair, kicked his shoes into a
corner, then turned on the light, preparatory to putting away some
business papers.
He was nonplussed to discover a strange man in his bed, unconcernedly
resting his head on Jim's wife's bare chest.
"What -what in the world are you doing here?" Jim stammered.
"Just listening to some music," the stranger replied.
"But I don't hear any music," Jim insisted.
"That's 'cause you're not plugged in."

"Let's try it this new way," said Jack as he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and grunted,
"I should be affronted, But this time I'm taken aback!"

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man. As the professor walked around the class
checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies, a
striking blonde, had sketched the man with an erection.
Slightly flustered, the professor said,
"Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied,
"What other way?"

Sex Education:
Sermon on the mount.

Two young ladies were talking over coffee.
The brunette asked,
"Do you use oral contraceptives?"
The blonde answered,
"Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant that way!"

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall.
He called in an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last
thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out
of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be
completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural.
To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo,
surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of
making love.
Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly.
"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your
interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look
at all those fucking Indians!'"

Confucius Says:
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up
to be shiftless bastard.

A new study reports that cell phones may be ruining people's sex lives
because people often stop in the middle of sex to answer a call.
In fact, some people are having three-ways during three-ways.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan."