Puns of the Day...

In the clinic for my colonoscopy, I was invited to climb up onto a
particularly small hospital gurney.
Because the procedure is done while the patient is lying on his side,
I guess they use a narrower-than-usual model.
Noting this to the doctors present, I quipped,
"So this is what they mean when they say 'polyp checks makes beds
strange, fellas.'"

The psychic who was involved in a fender bender had an auto-body experience.

A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of
the life size statues of politicians.
He was charged with statue Tory rape.
Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual.

Judy stood before the judge in divorce court.
"You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?"
"Yes, it is."
"And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless
about his appearance. Is that also correct?"
"That's right, Judge. He hasn't appeared at home for five years now."

Continually discovering new viruses can become a strain

The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed defective accused
the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions.

Texas makes me think of the old slogan, "Remember the Alamo."
It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing
put his wife, of all people, on the battle line.
She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be
removed from the front line.
After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee.

When Salvador Dali was knighted, he became Sir Real?

People always ask where I was for my first Fourth of July.
We don't really have the Fourth of July in Britain, it goes straight
from the third to the fifth.

One coach from a nameless midwestern university hit upon the bright
idea of recruiting football players from Scandinavian countries.
He hit the jackpot in that cold, cold country east of Sweden.
Here there be giants, striding across the tundra in seven league boots.
With the offer of an education, he was able to recruit young Bjornson,
Kaajani, Linna, Saarinen, and Fennoman for the first string offensive
line.
These players were so massive and so effective that the coach decided
to emphasize the passing game.
And, it worked.
No matter how heroic the effort, the defenders in their race to catch
the quarterback could never cross the Finnish line.

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

A blonde wanted to spray paint the wrought-iron table white.
She looked at the can, which said:
"Cap matches colour."
So, she removed the black cap, and replaced it with a white one.

We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat.
One day, my mother sent me to the basement to find what I could for dinner.
After a long search, I came back with some beets.
This was not enough to feed our family of 6.
So, my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of wrens who had
moved in there.
My mother cooked the wren and we waited for my father to get home from work.
As it got later, my mother put the wren in the refrigerator to keep
until my father came home. (we always ate as a family).
When my father arrived late that evening we sat down to eat the wren
and beets, but first my father prayed over the food,
 "God bless the beets and the chilled wren.."

An auction house is a den of antiquity.

Rumour has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there
to keep the pilot and passengers cool.
What, you don't believe this?
If it stops, watch them start to sweat.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air.
Then, it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,
"Oh, my God! Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Saying that hemlines can be short or long is just skirting the issue.

The Honour System Virus:
This virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this
message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.