XX - Adult Puns!

At the beach, to enhance your pack,
Put a spud in your suit," they told Jack.
But they weren't specific
And he looked horrific
In his Speedo with the tater in back.

For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know
something that us old pros do:
There are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask.
That's when you sit by and howl!

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles,
"Oh, no! It's just mustard this time."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Muster some sympathy for the dilemma of the out-of-work stripper:
All undressed and no place to show

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then, I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said,
'You've got Male!

The sleepy bride couldn't stay awake for a second.

Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they
were meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bowlegged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied,
"I know. I know."

Agoraphobia:
Gays and lesbians who are afraid of coming out of the closet.

An executive was stressed out.
He had to fire one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally
qualified and both excellent workers.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins
and the executive approached her and said,
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied,
"Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked,
"Who was the first man?"
"If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the embarrassed coed, "I'd
rather not tell."

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at
their age, the old man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"