Puns of the Day...

A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel.
At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
They look at the tomb and read the following inscription:

    ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ
    BORN 5694 DIED 5733
    A GOOD MAN AND
    A GREAT FURRIER.

The visitors are incredulous.
They ask the guide,
"How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?"
Their host responds,
"Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier -- he was the best!"

Did you hear about the blonde that thought her typewriter was pregnant
because it missed a period.

Two atoms are walking down the street, when all of a sudden, one atom
stops, and says,
"Oh no! I think I lost an electron!"
So, the other one turns to him and asks,
"Are you sure?"
To which the first one replies,
"I'm POSITIVE!"

Satin:
I SATIN something sticky and now my dress is stained.

To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British
Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing
room audiences since it opened.
Many of its visitors are students of secondary schools, and one school
decided to produce a play wherein the student players would enact the
roles of heavenly bodies.
The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the
roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the galaxies.
Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a minor planet,
but she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one of the sky's
brightest stars.
Shirley tried everything.
She importuned.
She was tearful.
She ranted, and when she finally began a campaign of remarks
disparaging to the girl who did get the part.
The exasperated teacher finally stopped all her arguments, shouting,
"Shirley, you can't be Sirius! "

Elixir:
What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone.

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from college.
"I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, "but I want to
ask for your daughter's hand."
"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the
father asked.
The boyfriend replied,
"From our Lamaze instructor."

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson:
You find the present tense, but the past perfect!

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment.
She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated.
Finally, she said,
"I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied,
"Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the
situation sank in - followed by,
"You are not going to tell anybody about this!"

Old hardware engineers never die,
They just cache in their chips.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died and no one had been ringing the
bells since his death.
A gnome applied to the abbey, but the abbey was put off as the gnome
was even uglier than the hunchback had been, and he had a large flat
spot in the middle of his forehead.
The gnome pleaded for the job and the abbey agreed to test him.
The gnome did not touch the ropes, but proceeded to the bell tower,
jumping and hitting each bell in the appropriate changes.
The flat spot on his face appeared to give great tone to the bells.
The abbey gave him the job immediately.
Attendance at church improved dramatically, and people came from near
and far to hear the changes sounded.
One Sunday morning, however, the gnome ran too fast, missed a bell,
and fell several hundred feet SPLAT! On the paving in front of the
church.
A crowd gathered and one brave soul turned the gnome over.
"Who is it?" whispered the crowd.
"I don't know," said the brave soul, "but his face rings a bell!"

My wife asked me,
"What are you doing today?"
I told her, "Nothing."
She said,
"You did that yesterday."
I told her,
"I wasn't finished."

Penny dropped in on her neighbour and found her sitting at the kitchen
table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids
squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
The neighbour told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbour said,
"I didn't even know you were pregnant again!"
"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings."