Puns of the Day...

In the camp all the Boy Scouts just glared
At the words that their scoutmaster blared.
On the start of each day,
"Group by two's," he would say,
"So, our motto you'll heed: be pre-paired."

Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking.
The young trainee said to the older, wiser man,
"Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven't seen him for a while."
The Senior Exec replied
"Haven't you heard? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What
did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste
account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going
after."

Chauffeur: "I've cut expenses to the bone, but I still have nothing to
CHAUFFEUR it."

Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church.
When I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that time
was called the Lutheran Church in America.
In order to do so, I had to attend classes.
At one of the first sessions, the minister conducting the class said,
"What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly,
"Sin?"

Rubbing your hair with vinegar will give you head lice because he who
acetates is loused.

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face he said;
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the Man of this house and
my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?" His wife replied,
"The funeral director."

When you take LSD with a birth control pill,
You get a trip without the kids.

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman
sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first
class section.
A flight attendant politely informs the woman that she must return to
her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she
paid for.
The blonde woman replies,
"I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success convincing the woman to return
to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the
pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses
to go back to her proper seat.
The pilot says,
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I
speak blonde."
He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant is amazed and asks him what he said to get her to
move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."

"This young insect is male," said Tom buoyantly.
"But that one is female," Tom gallantly continued.

Last night at the Pub, standing next to me, there was this very fat
acquaintance of mine who confided in me that he had not seen "his
thing" in years.
"Why don't you diet?" I helpfully offered.
He gave me a surprised look and replied,
"Dye it? What difference would the colour make?"

The masochist had to break a date because he was going to be tied up all night.

My husband and I heard a man pounding on the door to the hotel room
next to ours and shouting,
"Honey, open the door! Let me in!"
After five minutes of this noise, my husband went out in the hallway and asked,
"Is everything okay?"
"I locked myself out of the room," the man replied. "I think my wife's
in the shower and can't hear me."
My husband invited him in to use our telephone to call his wife.
The man dialled his room.
"It's ringing now," he said. "She'll let me in, and I can leave you
folks in peace."
Through the wall we could hear the phone ringing next door.
After four rings, we heard the man's wife yell,
"Honey! Answer the phone!"