Puns of the Day...

The army was undergoing budget cuts due to economic cut backs.
Major Peterson received the orders and carried them out.
A few days later he was summoned to the General's office.
"Major please explain. I can see there are still as many men at the
regiment as there were last week. I told you to reduce staff. What is
going on?."
"Reduce staff? Sir, when you said we all needed crew cuts I thought..."

Announcements:
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the plane. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the passengers."

The judge was disturbed.
This was the ninth time this year that George had appeared before him
and the ninth time he was convicted.
It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six- pack of beer,
pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter.
And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him.
Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him see the
errors of his ways.
"You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George. George answered,
"No man should be ashamed of his convictions."

The reason we never see any politicians playing golf is it's too much
like their work, trapped in one bad lie after another.

Everyone knows that a good wine should be properly aged,
But not many people realize that wine should not go into storage as
soon as it's bottled. There's a certain amount of settling that needs
to take place before each case is locked away in the vault to age.
As Orson Welles so famously put it,
"We will cellar no wine before its time."

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new
drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a
convent?
The FDA refused to license it.
Seems it was habit forming.

A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature, fell in love with Carmencita,
a most possessive girl.
She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye but it didn‚t
surprise her because that trait was inherited from his primitive
ancestors when they swung continually from limb to limb.
She decided there was only one way she could be certain her man would
remain faithful until she could exchange the alter for the halter.
By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment, she became the
village joke but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally
to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful, a state of
grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.
Everywhere she went, eager, inquiring maidens would ask her for the
secret of her success and her wise answer can be condensed to seven
words:
"You always herd the Juan you love."

A bird in the hand is worth counting your chickens while they hatch

They say the further along you get in life, the more you focus on
matters of the self.
I must agree:
In high school, my big dream was to get in the pants of each and every
cheerleader -- now my big dream is to get back in the pants I wore in
high school.

I'm not the man I used to be,
So, why should I have to pay off his debts?

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.
Suddenly, the first sighs and says,
"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or
soft foods."
The second answers,
"Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy
the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds,
"Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged
my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is
wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time
tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says,
"So, what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."

Did you hear about the blonde that smelled good only on the right side
because she couldn't find the left guard.

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog.
The bartender says,
"Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says,
"But this isn't just any dog! This dog can play the piano!"
The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner,
"If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!"
The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are loving it.
Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of
the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy,
"What was that all about?"
The guy replies,
"Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."