Puns of the Day...

My 4-year-old son, Bobby, recently started pre-school.
One day, after school I asked him to hang up his jacket in his closet.
He said,
"I can't."
I told him,
"But you hang it up in school."
His reply was,
"But we have "hookers" in our classroom."

Freedom of the press:
The right to iron your clothes any time you wish.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast!
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,
'No, I told her I was 90.'

Men are like parking spots.
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

For centuries fisherman navigated the dangerous straight by the light
of the moon. Naturally, there were accidents and deaths every year.
So, the government placed a lighted buoy in the middle of the straight
to provide light and guidance for the fisherman.
Well the number of accidents tripled in a month, and the government
was forced to remove the buoy.
What is the moral of the story?
You should never send a buoy to do a moon's work.

"I'd love to race sometime in Helsinki - nothing's sweeter than
hitting that Finnish line."

In the early 1900s, the president of America went to visit Russia.
Of course, Russia was still ruled by the Czar back then, and the
American President was warmly welcomed by the whole Russian royal
household.
As the two leaders and their entourages were dining one day in one of
the huge dining rooms in the palace, the Americans were telling the
Russians about some of the great things in their country.
One of the topics of conversation was the Grand Canyon in Colorado.
Of course, the Americans were quite boastful about this being the
largest canyon in the world, when suddenly, from the head of the
table, the Czar stood up and made an announcement.
"In Russia," he said, "we have a canyon even bigger than your Grand Canyon!"
Now no one was going to stand up and contradict the Czar, but of
course no one believed him either.
Finally, the American president stood up, and said,
"Okay. Let's see this canyon then."
So, an expedition was organized.
Of course, their destination was way out in the remote wilderness and
they only had horses to travel with so the going was slow.
But eventually, after several weeks' grueling journey, they finally
arrived at where the canyon was supposed to be.
But there wasn't one.
Not even a little one.
And then it dawned on everyone -- he had been using Czar chasm to make
them look stupid.

Analyse:
Another name for hindsight.

An Australian Bushland farmer decided one day that he would sell his
cattle as a cash protection against a predicted drought.
He called a cattle buyer who examined the bovines and set a price.
Deciding it was far too low, the farmer decided he might do better by
offering them for auction at the district fair.
There, the cows broke loose and trampled down a gate leading to a tent
where the district band was playing "Waltzing Matilda."
They milled around the uniformed musicians and fortunately hurt no one.
The crowd from the cattle auction followed the animals into the tent
and cheered them on. When the auction resumed later, the cattle had
gained so much attention they sold for twice as much as the original
offer.
This surely proves that a herd in the band is worth two in the bush.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that
is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'