Puns of the Day...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after
a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked
up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair
does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled
in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the
existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written
anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks,
we stopped by his home to visit him.
My wife asked if he was eating properly.
"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would
be eating anything like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie
bags from half of the restaurants in town.

Edward works at a Wal-Mart.
One day, an older gent asked him,
"Where are Depends?"
I took him over to the adult incontinence under-garments and then his
face turned red with embarrassment.
"No," he said, and took an ink pen out of his pocket. "I want DA pens."

Cross a lion and an ocelot and you get a political animal.
It's a Lialot, close relative of the Cheetalot.

Now that the Ayatollahs run Iran, many of us probably do not remember
when the former ruler was the Shah of Iran.
The word "Shaw" means King and the word for the First-Born-Male-Prince
and Heir-To-The-Throne is "Shan".
The recent Shaw was a very powerful ruler.
But there was some question about the Heir's potential.
In fact, the young man was a fine young man in all respects, but one.
He was an epileptic and occasionally prone to seizures.
This was not incapacitating and could be controlled by medicines given
by a personal physician who was to be with the boy at all times.
On one sad occasion, however, the physician had to heed the call of
nature, and was absent for nearly fifteen minutes.
When he returned, he found that the boy had suffered a massive seizure.
As the physician was led off to be beheaded, he heard these fatal
words ringing in his ears,
"And where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

Sign on a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.
ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

After our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to
come and take a look at it.
It turned out he was a high school classmate of my husband's, a man named Love.
He said to ask for him the next time we had any problems.
The following year, when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love.
I took half a day off from my job to be there.
After he finished repairing our air conditioner, he left his work order behind.
On it was written my name and the scheduling instructions:
"Wants Love in the afternoon."

Did you hear about the blonde that thought that "Moby Dick" was a
venereal disease.

Did you see the special on the Discovery channel last week about
Magellan's round the world voyage?
They went on and on, telling how tough it was for him to gather the
equipment and the people for such a commitment.
It didn't help things that he was such a stickler for rules, either.
Only certain coloured clothing was allowed on the ship.
The sailors were forbidden to sing songs with any religious or sexual content.
They could eat only twice a day, no more, no less.
No cursing was allowed.
And, there was zero tolerance of any mention or hint of homosexual behaviour.
Other authorities have indicated that the voyage was not all that bed.
Of course, historians have often debated about the Straights of Magellan.

An ancient Greek shoemaker ran home when there was an earthquake,
Only to discover he had fallen arches.

Some botanists had just returned from an expedition to the South
Pacific Islands and was discussing their adventures with their
colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the
most exciting discovery you found there?" asked a fellow professor.
One of them replied,
"The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing
cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees
they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."
Another professor asked,
"A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"
Replied the botanist,
"Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"