Puns of the Day...

A man calls his Jewish mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, I've been very weak."
"Why are you so weak?"
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

Most cross dressers have hidden a gender.

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to
get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he
announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if
you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

If an earthquake ruined your swimming pool,
You might go off the deep end.

The night before their marriage, Jerry called on his innocent
bride-to-be at her apartment. "There's nothing to be nervous about,"
he assured her, "making love is very simple. Tonight I'll demonstrate
first how Cousin Alvin makes love, then how Cousin Benson makes love,
and finally how my Uncle John makes love."
The next morning a telegram arrived:
"Thanks for lessons. Have eloped with your Uncle John."

What does a dominatrix do for a living?
Beats me.

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.
"A what?" says the confused parts guy.
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."
As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. Water pump" the light in
his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We
have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."
"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew
what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am. That's because we're a
full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need,
like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down
customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

Wong Mee and his wife, Virginia, were married for 50 years, but
finally health problems got the best of them, Wong Mee in particular.
He suffered from Alzheimer's and the polio he'd had in his youth that
left his legs in a crippled condition seemed to be making him even
weaker.
One day, he wandered from home, and his wife was very worried.
When the police found him, he was only three blocks from home, but
lost, confused, and unable to walk.
They had to carry Mee back to old Virginny.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says,
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

The Honour System Virus:
This virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this
message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.

Our marriage broke up because my husband was too broad minded.

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage.
He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a
beautiful diamond bracelet.
Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about
his indiscretion. She said,
"I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match.

A baby mole lost track of his mother in the underground tunnel that
she was making.
The little mole burrowed upward and ended up in a nest of young skunks
who were waiting for their mother to return.
The young skunks took a liking to the vision-impaired burrower
especially one of the females.
Upon the mother skunk's return, the young female skunk asked if they
could adopt the lost mole into their family.
The mother skunk said that would be okay.
The young mole said,
"I am used to traveling in the underground tunnels. How will I ever
manage to navigate above ground?"
The wise mother skunk allayed his fears by saying,
"Let your scent sis be your guide."

Sign outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE $10.00 PER PRE-PACKED BAG,
$2.00 FOR A DO-IT-YOURSELF BAG.

I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to
the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I
was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on
time, I was compulsive."