Puns of the Day...

The one good thing about being a kleptomaniac is that you can always
take something for it.

It was a couple weeks until the August recess of the U. S. House and Senate.
Many pieces of legislation that some members had hoped to pass were
indefinitely held up.
It appeared as though Congress was just biding its time until the recess period.
One particular member of the United States Senate, known for his hot
temper and acid tongue, was disgusted by this.
When it was his turn to speak, he couldn't resist letting his
colleagues have it.
Halfway through his speech, he exploded in anger and shouted,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
The other senators were quite taken aback by this outburst of accusation.
They took their concerns to the Senate Majority leader who took the
podium to admonish the angry senator.
"Withdraw your statement," he ordered, "or be removed from the floor
for the remainder of the session!"
After a long pause, the angry senator acquiesced.
"OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT
made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Tourists need to be careful of what they eat when traveling in France,
Lest they get Lautrec's revenge--when the bowels get "Toulouse".

While studying the intricate dress of the priests in the Old
Testament, the preacher came to the part that describes how the
priests put bells on the bottom of their robes.
He asked,
"Why do you suppose the priests had to tinkle?"
After a second of silence, the class broke up with laughter.

A guy with no arms and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British chap pulls over, rolls down the window, and says,
"You look 'armless, 'op in!"

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing my teeth.
"Oooh!" I would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little
thread did it's work. Suddenly, and without provocation, my wife
walked into the bathroom and started getting her shower prepared.
You'd think I wasn't even there!
Bewildered, I demanded,
"What the hell are you doing? Don't you see me here?"
"I'm sorry," she said, "I saw you, but I didn't think you were real."
"What!!! What the hell is that supposed to mean!" I shouted.
She replied calmly,
"It's just that I don't believe in sighing flossers."

A shopkeeper attacked a thief with a price labeling gun.
The police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

His wife was in labour with their first child.
Things were going pretty well when suddenly, she began to shout,
"Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening.
"Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She
just started calling out 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!', over
and over again, with an occasional Isn't and Won't! Thrown in.
What's going on!? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is
wrong with my wife!" he cried.
"Not to worry." said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it!!?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly and
just part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's
all!"

On New Year's eve, the dyslexic Highway Patrolman spent the whole
night handing out I.U.D.'s

A dog thinks,
"Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a
nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be
gods!"
A cat thinks,
"Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a
nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be
God."

License:
The guy used to tell little fibs to women he met in bars about not
being married.
His wife caught him doing this and divorced him.
He hasn't told a LICENSE.

It was during the war.
A soldier was found lashed to the train tracks and his remains were
spread widely when he was run over.
The police with the assistance of the F. B. I. And Army intelligence
rapidly investigated the incidence.
A press conference was called and the police chief was asked if this
were part of a foreign plot.
"No," said the chief, "We believe there was a locomotive."

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind.
But this week, I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work
had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay him for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had
told me last year-that in one year the windows would pay for
themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line,
So. I just hung up.
I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.