Whoops

There was an unexpected knock on my door and like I always do,
I first opened the peephole and asked,
"Who's there"?
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package"? I asked suspiciously.
The delivery man held it up.
"Could I see some ID"? I asked, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house,
I'd probably just use these."
And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

============================
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from
His jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning.
He would set it on the corner of the podium.
After giving the lecture for the day,
He would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket
pocket, and
Leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ...

A student fell asleep during the lecture.
The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the
Podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student
Squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket,
Removed a baseball ...

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
=============================================
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk,
she began to feel sick.
In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech
Off-stage, in her bag.

She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight,
Ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her
That her lapel mike was still on.
=============================================
One of the renowned lawyers in Texas had made love to a city prostitute
Who unfortunately forgot to take her panty from the lawyer's car.
Afterwards, he drove home and as usual the wife came out with open arms,
Hugged him warmly and led him to the house.
The man then remembered,
"Honey please rush to the car and get some chicken.
Sorry I forgot to bring it with me after the hug."
The lady dashed to the car.
What met her eyes?
A woman's panty!!!
"Caught this idiot today" she thought.
"You thought you could escape this time round!" she muttered.
With all her strength she tore the panty into pieces and rushed back to the
Husband ready to tear him down.
During all this time' the man had realized his folly and was ready.
He was smart enough.
"Now why do you ruin my life?" the lady asked.
"You! Do you realize what you have just done!?" the husband stammered
outrageously
"That's the case worth ten million dollars I told you about yesterday and the
Panty was the rape evidence.
What am I going to present before court tomorrow?
Why do you rush into action without consulting me first?
You must produce that item!"
Unbelievably, the wife was so sorry.
She even went to look for the torn pieces and brought back to her husband with
A promise never to repeat the mistake.
She wouldn't imagine her husband losing 10 million.
Really who should have apologized?

NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH A LAWYER,
THEY ARE NATURAL BORN LIARS!!!
===============================
A salesman's car breaks down,
So, he asks a farmer to let him spend the night,
And the farmer agrees.
In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty.
So, he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow.

Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn and goes to investigate.
He then sees the salesman coming out of the barn soaking wet and with a white
Liquid dripping down his face.
The farmer asks,
"What happened to you?"
The salesman says,
"I just got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there I don't know
How I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drank
A gallon of it!"
The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and says,
"But we don't have a cow. We just have the bull..."
==============================================
Needing some clothes cleaned quickly,
A man searched the small town he was visiting until he found a sign which read:
"Cleaning and Pressing -- 24-Hour Service."
After explaining what he needed, he said,
"I'll be back tomorrow to pick up my suit."
"Oh, but it won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But your sign states '24-Hour Service,'" the man protested.
"Yes, that's correct," the proprietor said reproachfully, "but, we only work
Eight hours a day.  Today is Thursday -- eight hours today, eight hours Friday,
Eight on Saturday.  That's 24-hour service."
==============
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to
butcher it in
The morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said,
"By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."