A new way of anger management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know! (My new philosophy!)
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris . Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing
number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !'
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole !
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign
in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW
asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
'It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time t o catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when
I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ' I have a
black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start
saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way
over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works !
