XX - Adult Puns!

Two gay guys are in a San Francisco bathroom using the urinals.
One of the guys looks at the other guy's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He turns to the other guy and says,
"I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,
not your penis."
The other guy replies,
"It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day.

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says,
"Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David. Simon relates,
"That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do
anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no
problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green,
coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds,
"Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.
A woman already knows

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good
sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."

The bird of peace is the dove, but the bird of true love is the swallow.

A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base
one night.
The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool.
The nurse said,
"I would rather play with your privates."

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble
picking suitable outfits.
After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a
lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the
room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with
a potato around his dick.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied
"If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

My 4th-grade class was doing a unit on the Middle Ages.
It came time for all the Knights to become "Knighted" when one of my
girls asked me,
"Can all the ladies get "Laid" tomorrow?"

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey.
She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation,
So, the owner says ok.
She buys the booze and leaves.
Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on
his way home.
As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk.
"Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for
Mother Superior's constipation."
"It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll shit!"

An unscrupulous lawyer stayed up with a pretty widow all one night
trying to break her will.

A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his.
He walked down the street and came to a barber shop.
He stuck his head inside and asked,
"Bob Peters here?"
The barber replied,
"Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."