Puns of the Day...

"Plastic or paper".
The answer was,
"It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sactual."

Pregnant with my third child and experiencing morning sickness, I was
resting on the living- room couch.
Workmen were doing some minor repairs in the house.
As one walked by, I explained,
"Don't mind me. I'm in my first trimester."
"Oh," he said. "What's your major?"

We painted our floor with luminous paint.
So now the florescent what it used to be.

The newspaper reported that a local citizen found an original French
impressionist painting in his attic, and promptly sold it for only
twenty-five dollars.
It seems he had no idea what the painting was worth.
Well, it just proves to me once again that a fool and his Monet are soon parted.

When a NASCAR driver's wheels wore out,
He realized it was time to retire.

The first expedition to Alpha Centauri had finally returned.
The leader of the expedition, Captain Nero, was making his report to
his superior.
"So, Nero, did you find any indigenous life?"
"Yes sir. Intelligent life, if fact. And what's more, they were almost
completely identical to humans."
"Almost? What do you mean?"
"Well sir, they have one less joint in their arms."
"I see. So I suppose you could say that..."
"Yes sir. The natives are wristless."

One thing to remember when eating in a German restaurant:
No matter how bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to come.

Time Warner Cable:
The wire attached to the helmet of a deep sea diver that his boat crew
tugs on to remind him that his air supply is about to run out.

We know a math teacher who also teaches dance.
She calls her class logarhythms.

An attorney once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had
been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death.
When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

From a wedding announcement in the Arlington, Texas, STAR-TELEGRAM:
"The bride was given away by her father wearing her mother's veil."

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in
which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
"Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an
oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says,
"I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but ..."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting
attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks,
"How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies,
"Just lie there 'til he goes away."

Did you hear about the blonde that was called tapioca because she
could be made in a minute.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "
Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she
asks sweetly. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't
wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from
work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?
Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things
around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"

A gossip is a person with a keen sense of rumour

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'