Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: July 2010

Friday, July 30, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

Before I got married my wife told me,
'Don't talk about sex until we get married.'
We got married and she said,
'Now you can talk about it all you want.

Jim came home from a hard day at the office and dragged himself into
the bedroom.
He dropped his shirt and tie on a chair, kicked his shoes into a
corner, then turned on the light, preparatory to putting away some
business papers.
He was nonplussed to discover a strange man in his bed, unconcernedly
resting his head on Jim's wife's bare chest.
"What -what in the world are you doing here?" Jim stammered.
"Just listening to some music," the stranger replied.
"But I don't hear any music," Jim insisted.
"That's 'cause you're not plugged in."

"Let's try it this new way," said Jack as he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and grunted,
"I should be affronted, But this time I'm taken aback!"

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man. As the professor walked around the class
checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies, a
striking blonde, had sketched the man with an erection.
Slightly flustered, the professor said,
"Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied,
"What other way?"

Sex Education:
Sermon on the mount.

Two young ladies were talking over coffee.
The brunette asked,
"Do you use oral contraceptives?"
The blonde answered,
"Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant that way!"

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall.
He called in an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last
thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out
of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be
completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural.
To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo,
surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of
making love.
Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly.
"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your
interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look
at all those fucking Indians!'"

Confucius Says:
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up
to be shiftless bastard.

A new study reports that cell phones may be ruining people's sex lives
because people often stop in the middle of sex to answer a call.
In fact, some people are having three-ways during three-ways.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan."

Thursday, July 29, 2010

XX- Offer of Condolences..

Jane had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.

Finally, Jane said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did,

there she stood nude, except for a pair of

black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I Want to offer my deepest condolences.

Scottish Baby

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when
he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces,
his wife has just produced a typical Scottish
baby boy weighing 21 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby
can weigh in at 21 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way,
folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish
baby that weighed 21 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks
.....so how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Sixteen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"?
"He was 21 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

Puns of the Day...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after
a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked
up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair
does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled
in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the
existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written
anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks,
we stopped by his home to visit him.
My wife asked if he was eating properly.
"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would
be eating anything like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie
bags from half of the restaurants in town.

Edward works at a Wal-Mart.
One day, an older gent asked him,
"Where are Depends?"
I took him over to the adult incontinence under-garments and then his
face turned red with embarrassment.
"No," he said, and took an ink pen out of his pocket. "I want DA pens."

Cross a lion and an ocelot and you get a political animal.
It's a Lialot, close relative of the Cheetalot.

Now that the Ayatollahs run Iran, many of us probably do not remember
when the former ruler was the Shah of Iran.
The word "Shaw" means King and the word for the First-Born-Male-Prince
and Heir-To-The-Throne is "Shan".
The recent Shaw was a very powerful ruler.
But there was some question about the Heir's potential.
In fact, the young man was a fine young man in all respects, but one.
He was an epileptic and occasionally prone to seizures.
This was not incapacitating and could be controlled by medicines given
by a personal physician who was to be with the boy at all times.
On one sad occasion, however, the physician had to heed the call of
nature, and was absent for nearly fifteen minutes.
When he returned, he found that the boy had suffered a massive seizure.
As the physician was led off to be beheaded, he heard these fatal
words ringing in his ears,
"And where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

Sign on a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.
ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

After our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to
come and take a look at it.
It turned out he was a high school classmate of my husband's, a man named Love.
He said to ask for him the next time we had any problems.
The following year, when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love.
I took half a day off from my job to be there.
After he finished repairing our air conditioner, he left his work order behind.
On it was written my name and the scheduling instructions:
"Wants Love in the afternoon."

Did you hear about the blonde that thought that "Moby Dick" was a
venereal disease.

Did you see the special on the Discovery channel last week about
Magellan's round the world voyage?
They went on and on, telling how tough it was for him to gather the
equipment and the people for such a commitment.
It didn't help things that he was such a stickler for rules, either.
Only certain coloured clothing was allowed on the ship.
The sailors were forbidden to sing songs with any religious or sexual content.
They could eat only twice a day, no more, no less.
No cursing was allowed.
And, there was zero tolerance of any mention or hint of homosexual behaviour.
Other authorities have indicated that the voyage was not all that bed.
Of course, historians have often debated about the Straights of Magellan.

An ancient Greek shoemaker ran home when there was an earthquake,
Only to discover he had fallen arches.

Some botanists had just returned from an expedition to the South
Pacific Islands and was discussing their adventures with their
colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the
most exciting discovery you found there?" asked a fellow professor.
One of them replied,
"The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing
cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees
they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."
Another professor asked,
"A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"
Replied the botanist,
"Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

XX - Adult Puns!

Little Johnny's teacher decided that the children should learn about mime.
So, she had each of them develop a speech, which was to be relayed by
using motion only.
When Little Johnny's turn came, he stood up in front of the class:
"Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch)..."
Little Johnny's teacher wasn't amused.
So, she sent him to the Principal's office.
Little Johnny explained what happened.
So, the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:
"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with
his arm)..." Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give
his speech again:
"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with
his arm), it gives me great pleasure (whacking-off motion)..."

A woman had a number of affairs with different men all in one evening.
Six, all told.
No, that's not true one kept his mouth shut.

The gay tattoo artist had designs on most of the local sailors.

The eyeliner and blush were subtle.
The eye shadow and lipstick matched.
I thought I looked very pretty, but my girlfriend was completely disgusted.
So much for makeup sex being the best sex you'll ever have.

Once a king, always a king, but once a knight is enough.

It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and, in his
innocence, he sought lodging in the city's red-light district.
His money, however, was as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly
offered him a room for the night.
When a friend questioned him about his accommodations over lunch the
following day, the young Briton replied,
"Well, the room was not very pretentious, you know, but gad, what maid service!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynaecologist.
The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism
goes out the window.
He immediately asks her to undress.
After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor.
Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor.
Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes-which is what I came here
about in the first place."

What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
"Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"

The sweet young thing had invited two boy friends to dinner.
The next course was the fish, and as she put the platter on the dining
table she asked one of the young men:
"What part do you like?"
"I'll have a piece just back of the head," he answered.
The other smirked:
"I'd rather have a piece of tail."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Job Description: PARENT.

This is hysterical!

If it had been presented this way,

I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills

and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go

From zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production
of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, and a total
embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,

Constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your
charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

None required, unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis...

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this!

You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college

Will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,

No paid holidays and no stock options are offered;
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your
cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know,

In appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
Letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...
Or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** FOOTNOTE **
"THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

Puns of the Day...

A man calls his Jewish mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, I've been very weak."
"Why are you so weak?"
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

Most cross dressers have hidden a gender.

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to
get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he
announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if
you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

If an earthquake ruined your swimming pool,
You might go off the deep end.

The night before their marriage, Jerry called on his innocent
bride-to-be at her apartment. "There's nothing to be nervous about,"
he assured her, "making love is very simple. Tonight I'll demonstrate
first how Cousin Alvin makes love, then how Cousin Benson makes love,
and finally how my Uncle John makes love."
The next morning a telegram arrived:
"Thanks for lessons. Have eloped with your Uncle John."

What does a dominatrix do for a living?
Beats me.

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.
"A what?" says the confused parts guy.
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."
As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. Water pump" the light in
his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We
have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."
"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew
what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am. That's because we're a
full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need,
like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down
customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

Wong Mee and his wife, Virginia, were married for 50 years, but
finally health problems got the best of them, Wong Mee in particular.
He suffered from Alzheimer's and the polio he'd had in his youth that
left his legs in a crippled condition seemed to be making him even
weaker.
One day, he wandered from home, and his wife was very worried.
When the police found him, he was only three blocks from home, but
lost, confused, and unable to walk.
They had to carry Mee back to old Virginny.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says,
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

The Honour System Virus:
This virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this
message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.

Our marriage broke up because my husband was too broad minded.

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage.
He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a
beautiful diamond bracelet.
Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about
his indiscretion. She said,
"I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match.

A baby mole lost track of his mother in the underground tunnel that
she was making.
The little mole burrowed upward and ended up in a nest of young skunks
who were waiting for their mother to return.
The young skunks took a liking to the vision-impaired burrower
especially one of the females.
Upon the mother skunk's return, the young female skunk asked if they
could adopt the lost mole into their family.
The mother skunk said that would be okay.
The young mole said,
"I am used to traveling in the underground tunnels. How will I ever
manage to navigate above ground?"
The wise mother skunk allayed his fears by saying,
"Let your scent sis be your guide."

Sign outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE $10.00 PER PRE-PACKED BAG,
$2.00 FOR A DO-IT-YOURSELF BAG.

I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to
the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I
was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on
time, I was compulsive."

XX - Adult Puns!

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

Define "Transistor":
A monk who has had a sex-change operation in order to become a nun.

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known Lover's Lane spot.
He sees a car with the interior light glowing.
The cop approaches the car to get a closer look, and sees a young man
behind the wheel reading a computer magazine, and young woman in the
rear seat knitting.
Puzzled, the cop gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window.
"Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
"And her, what is she doing?"
"Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
The cop is totally confused, a young couple alone in a car at night in
Lover's Lane, and nothing is happening!
The cop asks,
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir." "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18, in 11 minutes."

A nun bicycled over a long street of cobblestones.
She never came that way again.

The old man stood at the gates of the cemetery and wept.
A passer-by stopped to comfort him.
"Why are you crying?" the latter asked softly.
"My daughter is laying in there," explained the weeping one.
"Sometimes I wish she was dead."

An early method of contraception was to put stones in your shoes.
It made you limp.

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other.
One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to
consummate their lust.
Dick finds Jane very dificult to "make" love to.
When they are finished, Dick says to her,
"If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies,
"If I'd have known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

A guy walks into a print shop and immediately decides to hit on the
large-breasted blonde clerk.
"By the way, do you keep stationery?"
"I always try to," she answers, "but at the last second I just go crazy!"

Nurses make poor lovers because they always wait for the swelling to go down!

Jill asks her mother,
"Can I go over to Rosey's house and watch the magic show?"
"Whatever do you mean, dear?" "
The one she performs. I heard her tell Nina she got $600 for doing six
tricks last night."

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get
married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, Jill, don't you think you two should wait till he's been
practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."

Some medical authorities maintain that sex is bad for one.
I agree!
Sex is bad for one.
But it's great for two.

On Saturday nights,
Arabs sit under palm trees and eat their dates

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening
progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said:
"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

Back in the Wood Age, the few progressive whittlers who tested the
first condoms learned painfully that love is a many-splintered thing.

Whoops

There was an unexpected knock on my door and like I always do,
I first opened the peephole and asked,
"Who's there"?
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package"? I asked suspiciously.
The delivery man held it up.
"Could I see some ID"? I asked, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house,
I'd probably just use these."
And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

============================
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from
His jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning.
He would set it on the corner of the podium.
After giving the lecture for the day,
He would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket
pocket, and
Leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ...

A student fell asleep during the lecture.
The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the
Podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student
Squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket,
Removed a baseball ...

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
=============================================
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk,
she began to feel sick.
In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech
Off-stage, in her bag.

She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight,
Ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her
That her lapel mike was still on.
=============================================
One of the renowned lawyers in Texas had made love to a city prostitute
Who unfortunately forgot to take her panty from the lawyer's car.
Afterwards, he drove home and as usual the wife came out with open arms,
Hugged him warmly and led him to the house.
The man then remembered,
"Honey please rush to the car and get some chicken.
Sorry I forgot to bring it with me after the hug."
The lady dashed to the car.
What met her eyes?
A woman's panty!!!
"Caught this idiot today" she thought.
"You thought you could escape this time round!" she muttered.
With all her strength she tore the panty into pieces and rushed back to the
Husband ready to tear him down.
During all this time' the man had realized his folly and was ready.
He was smart enough.
"Now why do you ruin my life?" the lady asked.
"You! Do you realize what you have just done!?" the husband stammered
outrageously
"That's the case worth ten million dollars I told you about yesterday and the
Panty was the rape evidence.
What am I going to present before court tomorrow?
Why do you rush into action without consulting me first?
You must produce that item!"
Unbelievably, the wife was so sorry.
She even went to look for the torn pieces and brought back to her husband with
A promise never to repeat the mistake.
She wouldn't imagine her husband losing 10 million.
Really who should have apologized?

NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH A LAWYER,
THEY ARE NATURAL BORN LIARS!!!
===============================
A salesman's car breaks down,
So, he asks a farmer to let him spend the night,
And the farmer agrees.
In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty.
So, he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow.

Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn and goes to investigate.
He then sees the salesman coming out of the barn soaking wet and with a white
Liquid dripping down his face.
The farmer asks,
"What happened to you?"
The salesman says,
"I just got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there I don't know
How I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drank
A gallon of it!"
The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and says,
"But we don't have a cow. We just have the bull..."
==============================================
Needing some clothes cleaned quickly,
A man searched the small town he was visiting until he found a sign which read:
"Cleaning and Pressing -- 24-Hour Service."
After explaining what he needed, he said,
"I'll be back tomorrow to pick up my suit."
"Oh, but it won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But your sign states '24-Hour Service,'" the man protested.
"Yes, that's correct," the proprietor said reproachfully, "but, we only work
Eight hours a day. Today is Thursday -- eight hours today, eight hours Friday,
Eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
==============
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to
butcher it in
The morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said,
"By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."

Corporate Stupidity ...

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive
their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. In Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months.
Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time
to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss:
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have
to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Getting Permission to Golf.....lol

Four married gentlemen happily went golfing.

During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:
Brian:
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this
weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in
the house next weekend.

Frank:
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new
deck for the pool.

Mike:
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that Jerry has not
said a word. So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the
deal?'

Jerry:
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap
on her ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? '

She said: 'Wear sun-block."

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dementia Quizs

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR..
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

Puns of the Day...

In the clinic for my colonoscopy, I was invited to climb up onto a
particularly small hospital gurney.
Because the procedure is done while the patient is lying on his side,
I guess they use a narrower-than-usual model.
Noting this to the doctors present, I quipped,
"So this is what they mean when they say 'polyp checks makes beds
strange, fellas.'"

The psychic who was involved in a fender bender had an auto-body experience.

A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of
the life size statues of politicians.
He was charged with statue Tory rape.
Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual.

Judy stood before the judge in divorce court.
"You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?"
"Yes, it is."
"And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless
about his appearance. Is that also correct?"
"That's right, Judge. He hasn't appeared at home for five years now."

Continually discovering new viruses can become a strain

The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed defective accused
the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions.

Texas makes me think of the old slogan, "Remember the Alamo."
It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing
put his wife, of all people, on the battle line.
She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be
removed from the front line.
After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee.

When Salvador Dali was knighted, he became Sir Real?

People always ask where I was for my first Fourth of July.
We don't really have the Fourth of July in Britain, it goes straight
from the third to the fifth.

One coach from a nameless midwestern university hit upon the bright
idea of recruiting football players from Scandinavian countries.
He hit the jackpot in that cold, cold country east of Sweden.
Here there be giants, striding across the tundra in seven league boots.
With the offer of an education, he was able to recruit young Bjornson,
Kaajani, Linna, Saarinen, and Fennoman for the first string offensive
line.
These players were so massive and so effective that the coach decided
to emphasize the passing game.
And, it worked.
No matter how heroic the effort, the defenders in their race to catch
the quarterback could never cross the Finnish line.

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

A blonde wanted to spray paint the wrought-iron table white.
She looked at the can, which said:
"Cap matches colour."
So, she removed the black cap, and replaced it with a white one.

We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat.
One day, my mother sent me to the basement to find what I could for dinner.
After a long search, I came back with some beets.
This was not enough to feed our family of 6.
So, my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of wrens who had
moved in there.
My mother cooked the wren and we waited for my father to get home from work.
As it got later, my mother put the wren in the refrigerator to keep
until my father came home. (we always ate as a family).
When my father arrived late that evening we sat down to eat the wren
and beets, but first my father prayed over the food,
"God bless the beets and the chilled wren.."

An auction house is a den of antiquity.

Rumour has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there
to keep the pilot and passengers cool.
What, you don't believe this?
If it stops, watch them start to sweat.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air.
Then, it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,
"Oh, my God! Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Saying that hemlines can be short or long is just skirting the issue.

The Honour System Virus:
This virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this
message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Puns of the Day...

The army was undergoing budget cuts due to economic cut backs.
Major Peterson received the orders and carried them out.
A few days later he was summoned to the General's office.
"Major please explain. I can see there are still as many men at the
regiment as there were last week. I told you to reduce staff. What is
going on?."
"Reduce staff? Sir, when you said we all needed crew cuts I thought..."

Announcements:
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the plane. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the passengers."

The judge was disturbed.
This was the ninth time this year that George had appeared before him
and the ninth time he was convicted.
It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six- pack of beer,
pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter.
And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him.
Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him see the
errors of his ways.
"You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George. George answered,
"No man should be ashamed of his convictions."

The reason we never see any politicians playing golf is it's too much
like their work, trapped in one bad lie after another.

Everyone knows that a good wine should be properly aged,
But not many people realize that wine should not go into storage as
soon as it's bottled. There's a certain amount of settling that needs
to take place before each case is locked away in the vault to age.
As Orson Welles so famously put it,
"We will cellar no wine before its time."

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new
drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a
convent?
The FDA refused to license it.
Seems it was habit forming.

A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature, fell in love with Carmencita,
a most possessive girl.
She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye but it didn‚t
surprise her because that trait was inherited from his primitive
ancestors when they swung continually from limb to limb.
She decided there was only one way she could be certain her man would
remain faithful until she could exchange the alter for the halter.
By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment, she became the
village joke but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally
to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful, a state of
grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.
Everywhere she went, eager, inquiring maidens would ask her for the
secret of her success and her wise answer can be condensed to seven
words:
"You always herd the Juan you love."

A bird in the hand is worth counting your chickens while they hatch

They say the further along you get in life, the more you focus on
matters of the self.
I must agree:
In high school, my big dream was to get in the pants of each and every
cheerleader -- now my big dream is to get back in the pants I wore in
high school.

I'm not the man I used to be,
So, why should I have to pay off his debts?

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.
Suddenly, the first sighs and says,
"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or
soft foods."
The second answers,
"Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy
the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds,
"Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged
my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is
wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time
tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says,
"So, what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."

Did you hear about the blonde that smelled good only on the right side
because she couldn't find the left guard.

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog.
The bartender says,
"Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says,
"But this isn't just any dog! This dog can play the piano!"
The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner,
"If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!"
The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are loving it.
Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of
the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy,
"What was that all about?"
The guy replies,
"Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Neologisms - 2

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Neologisms - 1

Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

Puns of the Day...

The one good thing about being a kleptomaniac is that you can always
take something for it.

It was a couple weeks until the August recess of the U. S. House and Senate.
Many pieces of legislation that some members had hoped to pass were
indefinitely held up.
It appeared as though Congress was just biding its time until the recess period.
One particular member of the United States Senate, known for his hot
temper and acid tongue, was disgusted by this.
When it was his turn to speak, he couldn't resist letting his
colleagues have it.
Halfway through his speech, he exploded in anger and shouted,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
The other senators were quite taken aback by this outburst of accusation.
They took their concerns to the Senate Majority leader who took the
podium to admonish the angry senator.
"Withdraw your statement," he ordered, "or be removed from the floor
for the remainder of the session!"
After a long pause, the angry senator acquiesced.
"OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT
made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Tourists need to be careful of what they eat when traveling in France,
Lest they get Lautrec's revenge--when the bowels get "Toulouse".

While studying the intricate dress of the priests in the Old
Testament, the preacher came to the part that describes how the
priests put bells on the bottom of their robes.
He asked,
"Why do you suppose the priests had to tinkle?"
After a second of silence, the class broke up with laughter.

A guy with no arms and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British chap pulls over, rolls down the window, and says,
"You look 'armless, 'op in!"

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing my teeth.
"Oooh!" I would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little
thread did it's work. Suddenly, and without provocation, my wife
walked into the bathroom and started getting her shower prepared.
You'd think I wasn't even there!
Bewildered, I demanded,
"What the hell are you doing? Don't you see me here?"
"I'm sorry," she said, "I saw you, but I didn't think you were real."
"What!!! What the hell is that supposed to mean!" I shouted.
She replied calmly,
"It's just that I don't believe in sighing flossers."

A shopkeeper attacked a thief with a price labeling gun.
The police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

His wife was in labour with their first child.
Things were going pretty well when suddenly, she began to shout,
"Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening.
"Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She
just started calling out 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!', over
and over again, with an occasional Isn't and Won't! Thrown in.
What's going on!? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is
wrong with my wife!" he cried.
"Not to worry." said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it!!?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly and
just part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's
all!"

On New Year's eve, the dyslexic Highway Patrolman spent the whole
night handing out I.U.D.'s

A dog thinks,
"Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a
nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be
gods!"
A cat thinks,
"Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a
nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be
God."

License:
The guy used to tell little fibs to women he met in bars about not
being married.
His wife caught him doing this and divorced him.
He hasn't told a LICENSE.

It was during the war.
A soldier was found lashed to the train tracks and his remains were
spread widely when he was run over.
The police with the assistance of the F. B. I. And Army intelligence
rapidly investigated the incidence.
A press conference was called and the police chief was asked if this
were part of a foreign plot.
"No," said the chief, "We believe there was a locomotive."

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind.
But this week, I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work
had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay him for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had
told me last year-that in one year the windows would pay for
themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line,
So. I just hung up.
I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

Friday, July 23, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

A blonde I know dated only oversexed men.
She didn't have a lazy bone in her body.

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows.
The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked,
"Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh... Well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said,
"By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said,
"Would you like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said,
"By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the
boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the
gleam in my eye?" "No," replied the girl, "by the tilt in your kilt."

The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls.
They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable.
One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there
was lightning and the lights went off.
It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms,
and quietly undressed.
Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray.
Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that
he was with his friend's wife.
He jumped up and dashed for the door -
"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"

A good girl keeps her eye on the clock;
A bad girl keeps her eye on the calendar.

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model.
The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour
and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to
return.
One time, the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments.
There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine.
Finally, she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed,
"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get
something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
helping none either."

Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

To make it stand,
You wet it!
To make it wet,
You suck it!
To make it stiff,
You lick it!
To get it in,
You push it!
Damn!
Threading a needle when you're older is a bitch!

Wet Dream:
A snorgasm.

A man is walking through the park one day when he comes across a guy
sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong?" asks the passerby, sitting down next to the crying man.
"I have a twenty-five inch dick," says the sober.
"So why the hell are you crying? Most guys would kill for one that
big!" said the confused Good Samaritan.
"I'm crying," he explains sadly, "because it takes me a week to get a hard-on."

The author of the book "Joy of Sex" died after a series of strokes.

Little Matthew was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother
for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room
and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Matthew said,
'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse, it's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmie's mom wants to talk to you."

Salespeople have a way with their tongues.

Puns of the Day...

In the camp all the Boy Scouts just glared
At the words that their scoutmaster blared.
On the start of each day,
"Group by two's," he would say,
"So, our motto you'll heed: be pre-paired."

Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking.
The young trainee said to the older, wiser man,
"Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven't seen him for a while."
The Senior Exec replied
"Haven't you heard? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What
did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste
account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going
after."

Chauffeur: "I've cut expenses to the bone, but I still have nothing to
CHAUFFEUR it."

Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church.
When I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that time
was called the Lutheran Church in America.
In order to do so, I had to attend classes.
At one of the first sessions, the minister conducting the class said,
"What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly,
"Sin?"

Rubbing your hair with vinegar will give you head lice because he who
acetates is loused.

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face he said;
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the Man of this house and
my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?" His wife replied,
"The funeral director."

When you take LSD with a birth control pill,
You get a trip without the kids.

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman
sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first
class section.
A flight attendant politely informs the woman that she must return to
her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she
paid for.
The blonde woman replies,
"I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success convincing the woman to return
to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the
pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses
to go back to her proper seat.
The pilot says,
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I
speak blonde."
He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant is amazed and asks him what he said to get her to
move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."

"This young insect is male," said Tom buoyantly.
"But that one is female," Tom gallantly continued.

Last night at the Pub, standing next to me, there was this very fat
acquaintance of mine who confided in me that he had not seen "his
thing" in years.
"Why don't you diet?" I helpfully offered.
He gave me a surprised look and replied,
"Dye it? What difference would the colour make?"

The masochist had to break a date because he was going to be tied up all night.

My husband and I heard a man pounding on the door to the hotel room
next to ours and shouting,
"Honey, open the door! Let me in!"
After five minutes of this noise, my husband went out in the hallway and asked,
"Is everything okay?"
"I locked myself out of the room," the man replied. "I think my wife's
in the shower and can't hear me."
My husband invited him in to use our telephone to call his wife.
The man dialled his room.
"It's ringing now," he said. "She'll let me in, and I can leave you
folks in peace."
Through the wall we could hear the phone ringing next door.
After four rings, we heard the man's wife yell,
"Honey! Answer the phone!"

Thursday, July 22, 2010

APHORISM:

A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE
OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is
That it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog,
But
Only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour,
You probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs!!

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is
When you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child
Who is afraid of the dark to become
A teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important
Because they demonstrate how many people
A company can Operate WITHOUT.

8. Why is it that at class reunions
You feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat
And
You will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than
The boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins -
The old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting
A call for a wrong number at 4 AM. -
It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says,
'It's only a game.'
When their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age,
Where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print.
there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is
That not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. After 60,
If you don't wake up aching somewhere,
You're probably dead!

Will Rogers - Truthful Humour

Simple but Brilliant and full of truths!

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend,
Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever
has known.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want
people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

Puns of the Day...

There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall,
But it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that out.

Recently, fish and game officials in South Florida cracked down on
folks catching more than their limit of certain types of fish.
Wardens stopped a guy, made him open the trunk of his new Grand
Marquis sedan and then fined him $1,000 for possessing an
overabundance of' game fish.
It is the first time in history a penalty has been levied for the
level of fish in a Mercury.

Did you hear about the moron who took his pregnant wife to the grocery
store because he heard they had free delivery?

The Village Historical Society in the little Connecticut town
presented a special exhibition the week of the 27th.
A room in the library was set aside for "Ships in Bottles" constructed
by Jim Whitson's great-great-grandfather from around 1855 to 1890.
"You'll note," said old Mr. Tenton, the local historian (and probably
the most knowledgeable resource on the topic in the entire state),
"that in many of the bottles there are two ships.
Tobias Whitson had more than enough time and resources to construct
the ships -- but he found to his chagrin that a good bottle, back
then, clear and uncoloured, and free of defects, cost a pretty penny.
"Having said that, he produced a number of ships over the years, most
of which scattered around the Northeast, although samples of his work
have been found as far off as Mobile, Alabama.
As he progressed toward his later years, however, the ships got larger
and larger, and more ornate and detailed.
And while they gr ew too large to share a bottle, at the same time his
fortunes were growing and bottles were easier to come by.
"This one, for instance," said Tenton, pointing to a three-masted
square-rigger nearly eighteen inches long, "is clearly in a glass by
itself."

I tried to talk my daughter into the idea of having a permanent but
we're not on the same wave length.

Everyone knows that a good wine should be properly aged, but not many
people realize that wine should not go into storage as soon as it's
bottled.
There's a certain amount of settling that needs to take place before
each case is locked away in the vault to age.
As Orson Welles so famously put it,
"We will cellar no wine before its time."
"Should I add 'Gone With the Wind' to my video collection of classic
film heroes?"
Tom asked rhetorically.

In the ancient city of Hurraburu in the land of Nippon, many of the
buildings were built on stilts because of the frequent rain which
flooded the streets to great depths.
Entry to the houses was gained using ramps leading to the first
floors, well above the flood marks.
On occasion, there would be high winds accompanying the rain and the
wooden inclines would be hurled on their sides.
An elderly workman was employed by the city to do nothing else but
place them back into position so the taxpayers would not be
inconvenienced.
Far and wide, he was known as the old ramp righter.

My dad complained to my mom about his recurrent back pain.
She told him,
"Maybe you should take Aleve."
He responded,
"It's not so bad that I need to take time off work!"

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials.
However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could
never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So, one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.
The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory,
took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a
certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials,
and found to do as well as ever.
But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten
paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and
ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"

He speculated in goose futures but lost a fortune in a down market.

Wife!

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling
could be heard deep into the night.

The old woman would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave, and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared her. They believed she practiced black magic,
because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
neighborhood.

The old woman liked the fact that she was feared.

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 65.

Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial,he went straight to the local bar and began to party,
as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbors, concerned for his safety,
asked,

'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and
out of the grave,and come back to haunt you for the rest of your
life?'

The husband put down his drink and said, 'Let her dig. I had her
buried upside down.'

Damn!!! Men think of everything!! !

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Puns of the Day...

There's a history of cross-over artists in many musical genres.
Even George Gershwin occasionally strayed into other markets.
In fact, he sometimes mixed it up quite a bit, as he did in one of his
most famous albums, "Rap CD & Blues."

An archer missed the target because he didn't understand the science
of arrow dynamics.

The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that
the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese.
Once outside the landing module, they climbed into the rover and drove
across the lunar surface to obtain samples...
Mission Control asked them,
"How's it going up there."
Came the reply,
"It's a bries"

Did you hear about the blonde that wore union pants because her best
friend was having labor pains.

This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent
trip to Spokane, Washington.
Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.
She answered,
"I don't know, I never got there."
So, the friend says,
"You never got there... What do you mean?"
She answers,
"You know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say
'clean bathrooms', well, it takes longer that you think!"

When the action starts at sea, each navy prefers its own drink.
The British head for rum;
The French head for wine;
The Germans head for beer, and
The Italians head for port.

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three.
When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.
Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked,
"Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered,
"It's not fair -- I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked,
"Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said,
"Because, in order to go to the library you have to have supervision,
and I wear glasses!"

Old laser physicists never die,
They just become incoherent.

Susie was a typical '60s protester, and one of those who enjoyed the
protests for the sheer joy of protesting as much as for the causes she
supported with her actions. Naturally, the war in Vietnam was the
single biggest focus of her protests, and one week she signed up to
join a group who were going to show their distaste for killing by
throwing flowers--wasn't the '60s the era of "flower power"?--at the
Pentagon.
But ten minutes into the demonstration, as Susie threw the purple
flowers she'd brought with her, one of the organizers came and yanked
her away from the front line, telling her reprimandingly,
"Didn't we make it clear? This is strictly a non-violet demonstration!"

Mutant:
mother's sister after her stroke

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
So, the both started yelling,
"Together! Together!"

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police.
They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the
space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies.
One of the engineers had asked me to get a new dictionary for him.
The request form said,
"State reason this item is needed."
I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost," or "The cover is
falling off."
Instead, he replied,
"My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'"
He got his new dictionary!

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty.
"On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no
pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your
pain level is now?"
She shook her head.
"Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

XX - Adult Puns!

At the beach, to enhance your pack,
Put a spud in your suit," they told Jack.
But they weren't specific
And he looked horrific
In his Speedo with the tater in back.

For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know
something that us old pros do:
There are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask.
That's when you sit by and howl!

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says,
"Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles,
"Oh, no! It's just mustard this time."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Muster some sympathy for the dilemma of the out-of-work stripper:
All undressed and no place to show

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then, I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said,
'You've got Male!

The sleepy bride couldn't stay awake for a second.

Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they
were meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bowlegged and asked what the problem was.
Sue replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied,
"I know. I know."

Agoraphobia:
Gays and lesbians who are afraid of coming out of the closet.

An executive was stressed out.
He had to fire one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally
qualified and both excellent workers.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins
and the executive approached her and said,
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied,
"Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked,
"Who was the first man?"
"If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the embarrassed coed, "I'd
rather not tell."

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at
their age, the old man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

ZEN TEACHINGS...

1. Do not walk behind me,
For I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me,
For I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me
For the path is narrow.
In fact,
Just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air.
It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether
You're alive or dead,
Try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone,
You should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
You're a mile away
And
You have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish,
And
He will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20
And
Never see that person again,
It was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth,
You don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog,
Some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry;
It only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience...
And
Most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking,
You aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry,
And
Get slapped on our arse...
Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill
And
A laxative on the same night.

Binomials:

There are many phrases in English that use two words connected with 'and'.

For example, peace and quiet, fish and chips.

These expressions are known as binomials.

In these phrases the word order is usually fixed; we say 'peace and
quiet', we don't say 'quiet and peace'.

The following binomials are all noun phrases, although there are also
many adjective and verb phrases that are binomials.

Noun and noun:

Many binomials combine words which are similar or closely connected in meaning:

Peace and quiet: freedom from noise and disturbance
He sent his children to the park so that he could have some peace and quiet.

Life and times: the story of someone's life, especially in its social context
I'm reading a book about the life and times of Winston Churchill. It's
fascinating.

Law and order: the maintenance of a good society because people follow
the laws and criminals are caught and punished.
After the war there was a serious breakdown in law and order. It has
taken a long time for the police to gain control of the situation.

Other binomials refer to things that are closely or frequently connected:

Fish and chips: the popular and traditional take-away food in Britain
I can't be bothered to cook, I'll go and get some fish and chips.

Salt and vinegar: the condiments or flavourings that are often had with chips.

Do you want salt and vinegar on your chips?

Pros and cons: the advantages and disadvantages of something; the
things for and against something.
What are the pros and cons of capital punishment?

Rhyme and alliteration:

Many binomials combine words that rhyme:

Odds and sods: a collection of small and unimportant things.

Odds and ends has the same meaning.
I've done all the important building work; I've just got the odds and
sods left, you know, like fitting the door handles.

Hustle and bustle: a lot of noise and activity
I love the hustle and bustle of city life. I'd get bored in the countryside.

Many binomials use alliteration. This is when the sounds at the
beginning of the words are similar.

Rest and relaxation: a time of inactivity, for example when on holiday
The doctor said I need some rest and relaxation; I've been working too hard.

Trials and tribulations: the difficult challenges that we face in life.
Remember, while marriage is a wonderful thing, it also has its own
trials and tribulations, which you both have to survive.

Grammar words:

Many binomials combine grammar words such as prepositions and conjunctions.

Ups and downs: the good and bad times in life
The ups and downs of life are similar all over the world, but people
react differently to them.

Ins and outs: the details and fine points of something.
I don't know all the ins and outs, but it seems the Prime Minister has
made a serious mistake.

Down and out: a homeless and jobless person. This is also often used
as an adjective.
Did you see the poor down and out sleeping in the park? Should we tell
the police about him?'

Ifs and buts: the reasons why someone doesn't want to do something;
their objections
Whenever we try to change the work routines, the workers have so many
ifs and buts that we never manage to change anything.

Abbreviations

Many common binomials are referred to by an abbreviation of the initial letters.

R and R: rest and relaxation
I'm going on a 2 week beach holiday. I really need some R and R.

P and P: postage and packing - usually seen when you buy something
that needs delivery.
You know you want to buy that bicycle over the Internet? Did you check
that the price includes P and P?

R and D: research and development - usually a department in an
industrial business.
Sony has a very strong R and D division: that's why they keep coming
up with new products.

Enjoy English!

Puns of the Day...

My 4-year-old son, Bobby, recently started pre-school.
One day, after school I asked him to hang up his jacket in his closet.
He said,
"I can't."
I told him,
"But you hang it up in school."
His reply was,
"But we have "hookers" in our classroom."

Freedom of the press:
The right to iron your clothes any time you wish.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast!
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,
'No, I told her I was 90.'

Men are like parking spots.
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

For centuries fisherman navigated the dangerous straight by the light
of the moon. Naturally, there were accidents and deaths every year.
So, the government placed a lighted buoy in the middle of the straight
to provide light and guidance for the fisherman.
Well the number of accidents tripled in a month, and the government
was forced to remove the buoy.
What is the moral of the story?
You should never send a buoy to do a moon's work.

"I'd love to race sometime in Helsinki - nothing's sweeter than
hitting that Finnish line."

In the early 1900s, the president of America went to visit Russia.
Of course, Russia was still ruled by the Czar back then, and the
American President was warmly welcomed by the whole Russian royal
household.
As the two leaders and their entourages were dining one day in one of
the huge dining rooms in the palace, the Americans were telling the
Russians about some of the great things in their country.
One of the topics of conversation was the Grand Canyon in Colorado.
Of course, the Americans were quite boastful about this being the
largest canyon in the world, when suddenly, from the head of the
table, the Czar stood up and made an announcement.
"In Russia," he said, "we have a canyon even bigger than your Grand Canyon!"
Now no one was going to stand up and contradict the Czar, but of
course no one believed him either.
Finally, the American president stood up, and said,
"Okay. Let's see this canyon then."
So, an expedition was organized.
Of course, their destination was way out in the remote wilderness and
they only had horses to travel with so the going was slow.
But eventually, after several weeks' grueling journey, they finally
arrived at where the canyon was supposed to be.
But there wasn't one.
Not even a little one.
And then it dawned on everyone -- he had been using Czar chasm to make
them look stupid.

Analyse:
Another name for hindsight.

An Australian Bushland farmer decided one day that he would sell his
cattle as a cash protection against a predicted drought.
He called a cattle buyer who examined the bovines and set a price.
Deciding it was far too low, the farmer decided he might do better by
offering them for auction at the district fair.
There, the cows broke loose and trampled down a gate leading to a tent
where the district band was playing "Waltzing Matilda."
They milled around the uniformed musicians and fortunately hurt no one.
The crowd from the cattle auction followed the animals into the tent
and cheered them on. When the auction resumed later, the cattle had
gained so much attention they sold for twice as much as the original
offer.
This surely proves that a herd in the band is worth two in the bush.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that
is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

XX - Adult Puns!

Back in the days of Camelot, a young knight was traveling cross
country by horseback.
He was tired, hungry and the hour was growing late.
He spotted a castle nearby and stopped and knocked on the door.
It was answered by the castle owner who was an older knight.
When the traveler asked if he could stay overnight, the castle owner said,
"No problem."
However, the castle had three bedrooms and the older knight also had
two daughters, they each had their own bedroom and the traveler would
have to choose who he would sleep with.
One daughter was extremely intelligent but was so ugly she made cats bark.
The other daughter was a breath-taking beauty who was smart as a box of rocks.
Who do you think the young knight chose to sleep with?
Obviously, he chose the older knight.
After all, this is a fairy tale.

The tampons were on sale.
The offer was valid only for a limited period, and there were no
strings attached.

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich
to Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something
you can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!

Have you heard about the pregnant unwed mother?
Nobody could figure out what had gotten into her.

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the
first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on
the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm
sure your wife will get over it soon enough."
The groom nodded gently and said,
"That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"

The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a strapless
evening gown that defied gravity.
"Terrific!" said her admiring escort. "I don't see what holds that dress up!"
"Play your cards right, dear, and you will," she murmured.

A Polish girl went to the gynaecologist.
She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.
The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked,
"When was the last time you had a check-up?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed,
"I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

Easy:
A word used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

A new way of anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know! (My new philosophy!)

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris . Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing
number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !'
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole !

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign
in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW
asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is..'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

'It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time t o catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when
I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ' I have a
black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start
saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole .'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way
over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works !

Friday, July 30, 2010

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Monday, July 26, 2010

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

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