Sunday Laffs!
By taking a second wife he pays the highest compliment to the first, by
showing that she made him so happy as a married man, that he wishes to be so
a second time.
Samuel Johnson
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Subject: The Excuse
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny.
(When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)
"It ain't my fault." Miss Crabtree, "You can blame this on my
Dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in
the raw!" Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for
thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he
meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little
Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the
truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here
lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed
Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out
in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That
coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!" "Stay back, he yelled
to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!"
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the
hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he
stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he
stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound
dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad.
Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without
warnin'.
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin'!"
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Subject: At the retirement home <xxx>
One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While
walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and
saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive. She then asked,
"Frank, what are you doing"?
He replied, " I driving to Toronto".
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. The next
night has she walked past Franks room she saw the same thing. Again she
asked, "Frank, what are you doing"?
He replied, " I driving to Toronto, it's a two day trip you know!" The
nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. Five minutes
later she came across another open door and looked in. She saw Bill
pretending to have sex with someone.
She then asked, "Bill, what are you doing"?
"I'm screwing Franks wife; he's gone to Toronto for a couple of days."
--------------------------
Subject: The Secret
The Secret
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
The Secret
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you.....you're not a Monk.
But I can't tell you.....you're not a Monk.
