Heard it before
You've probably heard some of these as I have but some are pretty good
the first time round.
Hopes this cheers you up and takes your mind off your woes.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,
say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the
poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go
right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was
Catholic?
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Ed: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times."
>Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>Ed: "What sins?"
>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>Ed: "I'm Jewish."
>Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>Ed: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
>
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>
Sandi was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when Ed arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said
Sandi to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the
closet, stark naked. Ed, however, became suspicious and after a
search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
What are you doing in there?" Ed asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked Ed.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favour if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced
before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the
husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At
this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs
on Santa's lap.
Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks
at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with
Ken."
"No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber's chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your muffin."
"I know" she replies "I'm gonna get tits too."
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Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper
View.
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie
Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green
twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman
in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in
front of the pulpit. Her dress is green and very short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes".
