More Laffs

Subject: QUICKIES

[Mostly from Ms Millie...]

* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting
  a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
  all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The dwarf fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
  at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
  shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. -Groucho
* A backward poet writes in verse.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France; the result:
  Linoleum-Blown-apart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
* 'Surge' happens in power lines.
  'Escalation' happens in un-winnable wars.
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Subject: Groaners

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Banning the bra was a big flop

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
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