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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Marketting!

A young Indian guy moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The Manager asks:

Do you have any sales experience?

The Indian:

Yeah, I was a salesman back home.

The Manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job.

"You start from tomorrow! I'll come down after close time and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea. "

"Of course," the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the Manager came down.

How many sales did you make today?

The Indian said:

"One. "

The manager groans,

"Just one? Our American sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The young man said:

"101,237.64 US dollars. "

The Manager exclaims,

"What? 101,237.64 Dollars? What did you sell him?"
The young man said,

"First I sold him a small fishhook.

Then, I sold him a medium fishhook.

Then I sold a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing , and he saiddown at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull the new boat.

So I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 BMW."

The Manager says,

"You mean a guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man said:

"NO! NO! NO! He came in to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said:

Well, since your weekend is obviously f****ed up, you might as well go fishing.!!

The washcloth!

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place, a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said,

"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal .

Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,

"Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied,

"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!!

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What
> > powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued
> > walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
> > His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. But, he
> > tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
> > Time stopped.
> > The bear froze.
> > The forest was silent.
> > It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
> > exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
> > The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to
> > suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
> > "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest
> > resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen." ...and ate him.

Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else. - Judy Garland

True....

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who are the best surgery
candidates.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see Accountants on
my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."

The second surgeon, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think Librarians
are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when
he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine; and the
head and the ass is interchangeable.

Funny signs

1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders
parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY,
TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!
That took care of the problem!

2. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."

3. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads:
"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

8. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

9. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"

11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

18. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ----- (U R)

19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Success

XX - In the Fast Lane

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his
overly cautious, slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For
every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll
remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60,
off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control
of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car
around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to use this to cover it up," he told her as he
tossed the shoe.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't
pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

Prescription should be there

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Last Request

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I
die." whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Clinton's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy s poke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

Amen" said Kennedy.

"Amen" said Clinton.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

XX - The Wedding Ring

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring
cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants
pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) having your mistress find out you're married.

2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Aussies

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his
glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to
drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we
have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Marriage

> >Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
> >about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
> >wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
> >Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
> >The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
> >Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
> >Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
> >Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> >Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> >Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
> >Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> >Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> >Pharmacist: "Of course."
> >Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
> >Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
> >Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
> >for Parkinson's disease?"
> >Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> >Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
> >Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
> >Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

SHARING!!!

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.

What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,

"THE TEETH"

Julie Andrews

Just laugh----doesn't do any good to cry.

Julie Andrews turns 69 -
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1 last year,

Actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews

made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall

for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was

"My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie,

"Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the

crowd that lasted over four minutes

and

repeated encores!

SIGN BOARDS

ENGLISH SIGNS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES ...

COCKTAIL LOUNGE NORWAY ...
'Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar'

A BUDAPEST ZOO ..
'Please do not feed the animals.

If you have any suitable food give the guard on duty'

DOCTORS OFFICE - ROME
'Specialists in women & other diseases'

NAIROBI RESTAURANT
'Customers who find our waitresses rude should see
our Manager'

ON AN INDIAN HIGHWAY
'Take Notice - when this sign is under water the road
is impassable'

IN A CITY RESTAURANT - INDIA
'Open seven days a week & weekends'

CEMETERY
'Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any, but their own graves'

HOTEL RULES & REGULATION - TOKYO
'Guests are requested not to smoke or do other
disgusting behaviours in bed'

RESTAURANT MENU - SWITZERLAND
'Our wines leave you nothing to hope for '

BAR - TOKYO
'Special cocktails for ladies with nuts'

HOTEL - JAPAN
'You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid'

HOTEL - ZURICH
'Due to the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom,

it is suggested that the Lobby be used for this purpose'

AIRLINE OFFICE - COPENHAGEN
'We take your bags & send them in all directions'

LAUNDRY - ROME
'Ladies leave your clothes here

&

spend the afternoon having a good time'

ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES - THAILAND
'Would you like to ride on your own ASS'

WINDOW OF SWISS FURRIER
'Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin'
.

Airline Cabin Announcements!

For all my frequent flyer friends, hope you've had good experiences like these.

Like the last one the best.

Have a super day!!!!!!!!

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,

"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said,

"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.

If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.

We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.

It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the attendant came on the intercom and said,

"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.

I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.

Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a,

"Thanks for flying our airline."

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said,

"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.

"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.

And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled,

"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

XX- Fred

FRED

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit.
The officer asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might
just give the fellow a break and write him out a
warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but
lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his
hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with
me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny
last name. Kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed
to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I
went through college, medical school, internship,
residency,and finally got my degree, so I was Fred
Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through school, got my degree,so then
I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling
around with my assistant and she gave me VD.
So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took
away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away
my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am
Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Joke of the day

The Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of the
>synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to The Rabbi
>and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
>the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save
>them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and
>then they send us a free box of candles.

""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual Question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:"What about all these
>biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
>him with an unanswerable question."We collect them and send them
>back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free
>box of holy biscuits.

""I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard
>about how he could fluster the Know-it-all Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he
>went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
>circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to >the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick".

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Liquid stages of life

This will make your day

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked.
She answered, "Because I'm dead."

The husband asked..."What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Remember...
Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed .
.

...If it weren't for STRESS
I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan...

Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.

I always know...
God won't give me more than I can handle
There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff

If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Bills travel through the mail...
at twice the speed of checks.

If you look like your passport picture...
you probably need the trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth.
Women are from earth.
Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
I've tried!!

Have A Wonderful Day!

Senility

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92! . Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten tot! ally out of shape , so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart? "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

-- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Or give it to a bunch friends if you can remember who they are!

In the womb..

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Nun in the bathroom

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf" Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

SENIORS

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92! . Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten tot! ally out of shape , so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart? "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

-- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Or give it to a bunch friends if you can remember who they are!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Life before the computer age

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy .

. . You just hoped nobody ever found out!!

XX - nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

What's your Profession ?

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

An amazing scene in Burma

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XX- Vocabulary-test-for-the-dirty-minded

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Fantastic pictures ...

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate coating".

It pays to be careful around old people.

Life Support

While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and
I were discussing life and death
I told her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and
relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my
beer Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch

"Know For A Fact that You Are Never Alone."

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the Brandy holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what's going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have,
especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few.

country music song

Turn your speakers up and sing along; the words are there when you
scroll.

Enjoy------------- click here

Click on the back arrow key to get back to the blog.

On and on it goes ..

We all have those days when we can't get it right

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally, realising what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN! ... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

PROVE ME WRONG!

A South American scientist from Argentina,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with very low intelligence read their
Emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Weekend Laffs

Subject: A Rose By Any Other Name... <Adult>

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was
bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the
bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a
play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading
the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he
spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he
pulled on his mother's hand and said,

"Lo, what manner of men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?"

------------------------------

Subject: More Sunday School

Little Pauly is telling his mother what he learned at Sunday school.
"Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the
Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were
saved."

"Now, Pauly, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother
asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
*never* believe it!"

------------------------------

Subject: Father Murphy [ADULTISH]

FATHER MURPHY

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. When he asked
for suggestions about how he might raise money for his church, he was
advised that a man with a horse is never out of money. So he went to a
horse auction. He did not, however, make a good buy; the horse he
bought was a donkey. Nevertheless, he decided to enter the donkey in a
race. The donkey came in third, and the headlines next day read,
"Father murphy's Ass Shows" The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly
displeased.

In the next race, the donkey came in first. The headlines read,
"Father Murphy's Ass Out Front" The Archbishop was even more upset.
Again Father Murphy entered the donkey in a race. This time he came in
second, and the headlines read, "Father Murphy's Ass Back in Place."

The Archbishop said this is just too much and told Father Murphy
to get rid of the donkey. When he was unable to sell it, he gave it to
Sister Agatha to dispose of at once. Sister Agatha was able to sell the
donkey for $10.00. And the next day, the headlines read, "Sister
Agatha peddles Father Murphy's Ass for $10.00!"

They buried the Archbishop three days later.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

A beauty! dear abby

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one.

Ladies - you are smart.

A Rare one! In honour of the ladies!!

> >> >The River
> >> >
> >> >Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
> >>large,raging violent river.
> >> >
> >> >Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God,
> >>please give me the strength to cross the river."
> >> >
> >> >Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
> >>swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.>> >
> >> >After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give
> >>me strength and the tools to cross the river."
> >> >
> >> >Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
> >>he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
> >> >
> >> >Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
> >>prayed,"God! , lease give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
> >>cross this river."
> >> >
> >> >Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
> >> >hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

The Mechanic and the Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "
Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
heart, take the valves out, repair any damage,and then put them back
in, and when I finish, it works just like new."

So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you
getthe really big bucks($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically
the
same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...'"Try doing it with the engine running."

Female hormones in BEER

Interesting Lab results...

>Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take
a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent
>analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
>
>The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
>
>To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
>
>It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked
>excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
>drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to
>apologize when wrong.
>
>No further testing is planned.

Mums

Why God Made Mums!
To the all mothers, mother's to be and those who are planning to be mothers...
Why God made Mums!
BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a nut.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

-------------

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

How do these people survive??????????

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?", I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the
reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but can I order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan i t. Not finding the bar code
she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue
to what had just happened.

THREE
The lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was
doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit
this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long
walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?"

Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that,
the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....

Dispatcher: "Rush him in to the emergency!"

Life is tough... it's tougher if you're stupid

.

Proof reading

1 . A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed
exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been
successful in BED."

2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a
telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by
the wife was "I wish you were her."

3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a
party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what
message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said,
"put getting older but you are getting better". The salesman asked
"how do you want me to put it?" The man said ' Well...put "You are
getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the
bottom. When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were
aghast at the message on the cake.
It read : "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting
better at the bottom"

Moral of the Story:
1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.

DARWIN AWARDS 2006

And the candidates this year are.............

MICHIGAN...

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

CALIFORNIA...

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

NORTH CAROLINA...

Buxton, NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

CALIFORNIA...

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

DELAWARE...

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyvill, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONOURABLE MENTION:

NEW JERSEY...

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

WASHINGTON...

TACOMA, WA.........Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.

One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night.

There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER: FROM G-E-R-M-A-N-Y is....

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" , said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated."

What a shitty way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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